You never think it'll happen to you until it does. I remember reading Facebook posts and hearing stories from friends about losing a parent but I never thought it would be me. You never do until its you. That the day would never come when you get a call. A call that would flip your entire world upside down and change your life forever. Since that call, your life will forever be different and a hole in your heart will forever left empty. People will tell you that it'll get easier, that the pain won't be as bad as it is right now, but they lied. The pain remains like a small reminder everyday of the love that you lost. Being forced to live with a gut wrenching pain for the rest of our lives. Missing a life, a life that no matter how much you pray, cry, and scream, will never come back. You'll ask God why, why me? what did I do? You'll get so angry at Him for taking such an incredible, important and loving soul from you. For taking the only person that could ever cheer you up on a rainy day or the only one who would actually listen. The one who put everything into perspective and told you exactly how it is no matter how hard it was. He took the person you alway went to and trusted and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering why. Why it wasn't you instead. Why it was him. But you'll never know.

I remember getting that call. I remember screaming, I remember feeling like my whole body was numb and I remember the tears.. the tears that never seen to end, I couldn’t eat or drink or even speak for 3 days… all I could do was cry. It’s like a black hole that you’re sucked into that you’re never getting out of, where you have the capability of breathing but it feels like you can’t. It’s like that on most days. Everything changed that day, I changed forever. My family changed and how we function. My mom was now a widow and a single mother of three, two still teenagers trying to find a way to live, a life that will never be the same.

I've lost myself, but I learned a lot about myself since your passing. As crazy as it sounds dad I became stronger that day, like somehow you knew that I would be okay without you. But dad Its so hard. One second I think I'm doing okay, then I remember everything and it’s like I’m sucked back into that black hole unable to breathe. I break down all over again, It's a never ending cycle. Some days it's bearable and others I scream at the top of my lungs begging for you back. Death changes you. It changes your life. It changes everything. And there's never coming back from that. People will say that it will get easier and time heels everything but that’s a lie dad, nothing heals this and only people who have lost someone, understand that the grief and loss is still so real every day, no matter how long it’s been. A day, a month, a year or more for us the loss is still so present in our every day lives. It has changed us and shaped us into someone else.

Dad, you have no idea how badly I wish I could go back to when I was little and I would jump into the passenger seat of your truck. We would go on adventures to the simplest places like the gas station, fleet Farm, and just to get ice cream. I wish you could be here by moms side to see me, Cole and Abby in all the milestones in life we have left to reach.. we all miss you so much dad, a whole year doesn’t even seem possible.. You always made sure I was okay and if I wasn't, you were right there to make a joke or hate on whoever made me sad. I was always reminded that I would see you again, but I never knew that the last time I saw you, would be the last time I saw you for eternity. And had I known that, Dad, I would've hugged you harder and I wouldn't of let go. I would've told you how much I love you, over and over again so you would never forget. I even would've told you how sorry I am for causing you so much hell as a child/teenager. How terrible I felt every time I back talked and made you feel so angry at me. I would've done anything to save you and keep you here with me because now I'm a fatherless child who has no idea what to do when things go wrong… especially with my car haha.

There are still so many things I wish I had said before and so many things I wish I had asked. I wish we took more pictures together dad. I think we just thought we had forever. If there’s one thing I wish, I wish I could have another hug, another sarcastic comment, another chance to hear you say you love me. I replay the voicemails you’ve left on my phone to feel like you’re still here. If I close my eyes, I can even picture your facial expressions as you’d say things. I think what’s been the hardest for me is picturing all the things in my life you won’t be here for. My college graduation, my first “big girl” job, my wedding, my first child. All these monumental moments in my life still haven’t happened. I feel this huge emptiness in my heart that no one can ever fill or fix. Not time, not a person, nothing. It’ll always be there because you aren’t here anymore. I know you’d yell at me if you could to not be sad, to live my life because that’s always what you wanted. You always wanted me to be happy and you’d do anything for me. For that, I will be eternally grateful. But you’re not here and I’d give anything to have you still here.

There’s no question in my mind that you’re watching over me. I know you are because that’s something you have always loved to do - see what I’m doing at all times. It’s an unimaginable pain to get accustomed to and one that no one wants to feel. My only comfort is that I know you loved me with everything you had and I know that you fought the hardest battles. I’m so proud of you dad. I hope I’ll do the same.

I hope you are proud of me, Abby and Cole and the people we are becoming and I hope you are so proud of mom and the strength she has shown, I know we all are. And I hope you know how great of an honor and privilege it is to be your daughter.

I love you more than anything in the world. Until we meet again daddy,

Your little girl ♥️