This week I had the lovely pleasure of stumbling across someone I knew on a dating app. I hadn’t been on in weeks, but my roommate and her quasi-boyfriend thought it’d be funny to watch me swipe.

After a little while, I saw a familiar face, and couldn’t help laughing at the coincidence. Why not swipe right? We were friends once upon a time, and I saw no reason to refrain from saying hi now.

Bad idea.

He’s still angry at me, even if he says he’s forgiven me. (Yeah, the gif you sent flipping me off really convinces me that you’ve let it go.) Goodness gracious; we only went on one date!

He doesn’t want anything to do with me, and that’s fine. I really don’t care.

But it disturbs me that there are people out there who get so hung up over one rejection that they can’t even hold a civil conversation.

Their bitterness blinds them.

So for the sake of emotional health and common sense, here are nine things all you men need to know after a rejection.

1. If she doesn’t say yes, it’s a no.

Unless you get a, “Sure, I’d love to hang out!” or “Yeah, what time?” or even just a simple yes, she means no. She might not mean no forever, but it is definitely a no right now. Don’t pester her or make her feel guilty just so that she’ll agree to spend time with you. If you really care about her and respect her, you’ll back off. If she wants to see you again, she’ll let you know.

2. Getting angry really doesn’t help.

In fact, it forever burns the bridge between you two, and stops you from progressing as a decent human being. If you start throwing out things like “b*tch” or “f*ck you,” she’s going to tell all her roommates. Good luck finding another date in that town. And if, on the off chance that she’s an angel who just swallows the profanity you send her without venting, you still have bad karma, dude.

3. Just because she rejected you doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.

Let me repeat that: Just because she rejected you does NOT mean she’s a bad person. It just means she doesn’t want to be involved with you romantically. Her interest - or lack thereof - has no reflection on her character. If you start hating her after the rejection, it says a whole lot more about your character than hers.

4. Becoming bitter about girls in general is destructive.

If you never learn to trust, you’ll never have another healthy, intimate relationship again. Have a little faith! There are lots of reasons why she might have rejected you. For every girl who rejects you, there are a hundred more who disagree with her. Finding them is the tricky part. Just work on yourself and your goals, and continue looking for the best in people.

5. Changing yourself to win her over is futile.

From a fellow disheartened single person: Be you. It’s the only thing that’s going to make you happy in the long run. If she doesn’t like you the way you are, awful clothing taste and all, she isn’t going to like you later. And if she does, can you really trust her? What kind of qualities do you want in a girl: selfishness, dishonesty, and the inability to really love you? Or do you want generosity, honesty, and understanding?

6. It doesn’t mean you’re unattractive.

You could be freaking Matthew McConaughey, and Interstellar could be her favorite movie, and she could still reject you. She has that right. Maybe she’s not over her ex-boyfriend. Maybe she doesn’t have time for a relationship right now. Or maybe she thinks your personalities clash. None of these things have any influence on your personal hotness, so give yourself a wink, and get back out there.

7. You didn’t necessarily do anything wrong.

Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. But poring through your journal - or your texts - for clues as to what went wrong is a waste of time. People change. They have the free will and the right to change. Again: It isn’t about you! Stop torturing yourself and look to the future instead.

8. It’s okay to hurt, so let yourself heal.

It stings. Believe me, I get it. You might cry, you might want to punch somebody. Find a safe space to let it out where no one will bother you and where you won’t bother anyone else. Be patient and remember to pamper yourself as you heal. If a box of pizza will make the ache hurt less, go out there and get that pizza. There’s no shame in recognizing that you’re a human being with feelings.

9. You’re not going to find the right person until you let it go.

You may have a rebound or two, but until the bitterness fades and you can honestly be happy for the girl who rejected you, you won’t find lasting happiness. Until then, your relationships will feel like they have something missing: trust, vulnerability, and forgiveness.

You’ll know you’re ready for the right girl when you can smile and say, wow, I’m really glad things didn’t work out before. I’m happy, I’m kind, and there are tons of wonderful people in the world.

Find yourself, and then find the girl.