January can be a tough month. All the fun winter holidays are over and we’re stuck in this dreary hole, waiting for the semester to start again (which could be a good thing or a bad thing). For some of us, it’s not that bad, because our favorite NFL team just made the playoffs and they’re only two (or three) more games away from the biggest game of all of our lives. However, for many of us, football season is already over. Here are the nine stages of grief we experience when our team doesn’t make the playoffs. For added fun, I consulted my nerdy evil twin, who said it would be ten times better if I told it from the point of view of the Tenth Doctor in "Doctor Who."
1.) Understanding.
Half through the season, you can get a good idea where your team is headed. If you’re 4-4 by the start of November, things might be looking petty rough. Sometimes, you might be 8-1 or 7-3 and still think you have nothing to worry about. This is where you start to either stress out, or give up entirely (Sorry, Browns fans. Maybe next decade?).
2.) The ability to become really, really good at puzzles.
“If the Raiders beat the Giants, but the Bengals lose to the Steelers, and Tom Brady cries purple rain while wearing fake Uggs, we can make this happen!”
3.) The overwhelming urge to pull every superstitious item and ritual out of thin air.
We can win this game, as long as your living room looks like a hoarder lives there and your jersey is on backwards and the label on your can is facing northwest.
4.) Joy, which is crushed by another team.
It breaks your heart when you’re two yards away from field goal range and your quarterback throws an interception. It hurts even more if they run it back for a touchdown. It hurts so much more if it was your rival team. (*Curses Ben Roethlisberger into oblivion*)
5.) Anger, caused by multiple factors
After you get over the initial shock of ohmygodwealmostwonbut*insert random quarterback's name here*justHADtoscrewup, you get angry. You blame it on the quarterback who threw the interception. You blame it on the tight end that should have caught it. You blame it on the guy from the other team that did (you’re so mad at him, you don’t even care what position he plays). You’ll blame it on the coach. You’ll blame it on the snow. You’ll blame it on your dog. You might stay in this stage for up to seven days.
6.) Appreciation of small victories
But hey, did you see that awesome 88-yard run our receiver run earlier in the game? Yeah, this team killed all our chances for ever making the playoffs, but we still beat them the other four times we played them this season!
7.) Denial
"Yes! Playoffs are here, and— wait, my team isn’t playing.” Sometimes, this turns us into whiny little toddlers. "This isn’t fair. I don’t want to root for the Packers, I want my team!”
8.) Acceptance
Eventually, you’re just going to have to deal with your team not being in the playoffs (even if it’s something you’re used to), because life sucks and you just need to get over it already.
9.) Anticipation for next season
I’m coming for you, *insert rival team’s coach’s name here*. Look out.
