Snow days are special.
They are rare, beautiful flashes of complete idleness in an otherwise busy world. They are free from responsibilities—even responsibilities as minor as eating adult foods, wearing adult clothes and practicing personal hygiene. But a great snow day is not a given, if you aren't careful you may just ruin it and end up having a *gasp* normal day. But don't worry, if you closely follow the below nine rules, you are sure to enjoy every glorious moment of your next snow day.
1. No bras or underwear that goes up your butt allowed!
Snow days are days when the ladies should be free and wild inside their stained Garfield T-shirts. As for underwear? Your lacy pink thongs with the rhinestone embellishments should stay in the drawer. Snow days are for your soft mustard yellow Hanes full coverage panties that your mother bought you when you were 14 years old.
2. No kale or quinoa or spirulina or any of that bullsh*t
I know you don’t really like that type of food anyway, no matter what you tell your cute soul cycle instructor with the pony tail and the yin yang tattoo. You would rather have a quinoa spinach bowl with tofu than four s'mores pop tarts and a grape soda? Liar. Be honest with yourself on a snow day.
3. Don't act too mature to like snow
You want to build a snowman. You know you do. Just go do it.
4. No going to the gym
Read No. 3. Playing in the snow is exercise enough. Plus, if you really work up the motivation to go to the gym on a snow day, your friends will resent you and talk about you behind your back. Don’t be that person. No one likes that person. Put the Nikes away.
5. Alcohol is allowed at any time of the day
My personal suggestion is Bailey’s in hot chocolate, but if you feel like drinking Sangria at 2:30 p.m. on a Tuesday, who am I to stop to you if it’s a snow day? Get a little drunk, get a little sloppy, accidentally spill red wine on your sheets and take a nap anyway. Watch Animal Planet and cry when a wildebeest drowns because you’ve had too much tequila. Leave your ex a voicemail of you singing "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" while you cry into your mixed drink. There’s snow outside, today doesn’t count.
6. Only stretchy pants allowed
Don’t be that a*&hole who puts on a cute lil' snow bunny outfit. We don’t want to see your charcoal gray cashmere turtleneck dress with your sensible, but cute-heeled Timberland lace ups. Go put on your yoga pants with the holes in the butt and XXL men's T-shirt that says “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries,” and get your *ss back in bed, young lady!
7. Only slippers (snow boots if you absolutely must go outside)
Acceptable reasons to take off slippers:
a. You are out of Pop Tarts and must go outside to retrieve more.
b. Alcohol run.
c. Taking bubble bath.
d. Sleeping.
e. Your lover prefers you barefoot.
f. You have those socks with the little traction rubbery guys on them.
g. Snowman building/sledding.
h.You ran out of Pop Tarts again.
8. No diets allowed
Refer back to No. 2. Eat like the queen you are. You wanna make flaming hot Cheetos-covered fried chicken? More power to you. You want to ask if Domino's can do triple the bacon on your meat lovers pizza? I’m proud of you.
9. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do
Don’t even get out of bed if you don't want to. Don’t speak at all if you don’t want to. Don't answer your bosses calls if you don't want to. Don’t “use this opportunity to catch up on work” if you don't want to.
Life goes by fast, take a snow day and enjoy it.
