Of all of the gifts that I have received in my life, none hold a candle to my sister. She is often quiet and unassuming, and yet, those with the privilege of knowing her know her spunk, her incredible sense of humor, and her unending kindness and compassion. With her spark and her abounding love, she has a unique way of lighting a room just by breathing her life into it. Over the years, loving her has been the most natural thing I’ve ever done. She is everything to me.
And yet, on those most quiet of nights, she and I will go back and forth, our minds rattling as we try to figure out why the other’s unconditional love could be so strong, why someone so perfect, so wonderful, could love the flaws and the scars that we each carry. On those nights, seeing her distress is far more painful than enduring my own, and as it is unfathomable for me to believe that she could not love herself, in that very same moment it is equally unfathomable for me to believe that I can.
Over the past several years, my responses to her compliments and her support has always been to deny, to ignore, and to deflect, teaching myself in turn that in loving her, I must forget my love for myself. She has taught me a thousand incredible things about what it means to be loved both by myself and others. At the end of the day, these are the most important things that loving my sister has taught me about loving myself.
It’s okay not to be okay
Life is hard, and often it just gets harder. It’s alright not to always be happy. Let it wash over you. Take the 20 minutes (or 2 hours) and hide in your room. Scream, cry, have panic attacks. Know that whatever you are feeling will pass, and once you can come up for air, that’s the time to grasp the positive things in your life like your friends, hobbies, or those who love you.
Be honest.
Bottling things up inside only makes things worse, and completely makes other people misunderstand the situation. There is a distinct difference between needing a moment or trying to let something silly go, and refusing to talk to the people around you about what you’re feeling whether it be good or bad. In those moments where you aren’t alright, reach out to the people around you, and be honest about your feelings.
It’s okay to let people go and to be let go of
The only thing that hurts more than when you let a close friend go is when a close friend lets you go. It's happened to all of us, and whether you've just grown apart or you're completely ghosted, it's okay. You need to do what's best for you, and so do they. If you don't fit together anymore, be alright with moving on. No one in your life should ever choose your misery for the sake of their happiness, and you should never accept that misery. If someone cannot be your friend anymore, or if you need to move on, remember it’s for the best and that with every friend you part with, there is another just around the corner.
The little things are what matter the most
My absolute favorite thing about my sister is the sound of her laugh. It is bright, bubbly, and contagious. And lately, rare. I cling to the little things like the sound of her laugh or waking up and knowing you can go back to sleep. The small moments in life are what make the tough parts bearable; cling to them.
Positive reframe is everything
My sister does this with me all the time. When I get worked up she asks me to reframe my words so that they are more positive and less self critical. For example, instead of saying “A goal of mine this year is to stop thinking negatively about myself” try to rephrase: “a goal of mine this year is to start thinking positively about myself.” The change in just a couple of words is everything.
It’s not about change it’s about growth
In so many self reflections and in so many conversations I say things like “I need to change X,Y, and Z and then I’ll be happy. Examples range from body image, use of tone, or handling mental illness. Things never got better as long as I was thinking about changing the person I was: that was impossible. The sooner I recognized that the person I wanted to be was already inside of me, I just needed to begin growing to meet her, the sooner my goals seemed feasible.
Accept the compliments
It's not cute or modest when someone says they like your hair or your makeup or your personality to say "eh not really but okay." It’s so hard to believe the kind things people say about you when you don’t believe them yourself, but just accept the compliment. Internalize it. Grab the little nugget as an honest outward reflection of you, and remember that you are as awesome as others think you are.
You HAVE to be your biggest fan
At the end of the day, you always have yourself. We say we can't love someone else until we love ourselves but this is a half truth. You can love someone more than you ever thought possible while despising the person you are. It is in the moments when you are alone, feeling tired and cold and worthless, where you have to remember that the only person who can close those wounds is you, and the only way to do it is by beginning to accept yourself for all of the beauty that you have inside of you.
Flipping the switch from self doubt to self love isn’t as easy as it sounds, but it’s worth it
I sound like a hypocrite when I tell my sister to love the parts of herself that she most dislikes, and I am whispering those same self doubts and lies to myself. Choosing to love yourself is not as easy as choosing to wake up in the morning, or going to work or eating lunch. And yet, like anything worth working hard for, there is nothing better than allowing yourself to be proud of the things you’ve accomplished and the person you’ve become. You are powerful in your own way, and learning to recognize that is the most important thing you can do.
