It's 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning and all I can think about is how fitting it is that I've been putting this article off for several days. Well, I'm done with the excuses. If anyone knows anything about me, they'll know I'm lacking in the time management department, and if I'm not already sleeping, I soon will be. Welcome to the Procrastination Station, where nothing really happens, but nobody cares enough to do anything about it. Here's what's on the menu for today:
1. Confidence
Oh, I love this one. You know when you've procrastinated before and you had a miserable time so you promised yourself it would never happen again? And maybe you'll write a little to-do list and space everything out evenly so that you don't end up doing it at the last minute. Adorable. Don't lie to yourself, we both know you're not actually going to read 50 pages about the history of soap on your Friday night.
2. Optimism
You don't mean to be pushing your responsibilities to the side, but, oh my god, that party tonight is going to be so chill, and that cute guy from your Spanish class will be there, so you need at least three hours to get ready. Do you really have time for homework right now? You'll have plenty of time tomorrow. It can wait.
3. Apathy
Maybe at this point you're at the party with the thought of your workload just floating around at the back of your head. Come on! You're out to have a good time, there will be thousands of assignments, but not another party like this one. Ever. Besides, I hear pole dancing can rake in a lot of money anyway. Your professors might lie but those hips sure won't.
4. Anxiety
OK, somehow time managed to slip by a lot faster than you thought it would, and suddenly it seems like your workload might beat you. Calm down, take a deep breath, and maybe poke at your lecture notes with a long stick. It is crucial at this point to Snapchat everyone you know with the caption "procrastinating so hard lol."
5. Panic
What do you mean that assignment due tomorrow took six hours? Who cares that it was assigned three months ago? They're out to get you, obviously! There is no way you're going to be able to finish it in time. Holy %!!&*$#@?!cow. Panic sets in, your heart is racing, and you're trying to calculate whether you have enough money left in our bank account to afford a one-way ticket to Barbados after faking your own death.
6. Numbness
No good ever came from stressing, so in order to avoid the hair-losing and the nail-biting, scrolling through Tumblr and eating your feelings might be your only option. After all, you've already put off your work for this long, what's another couple hours going to do?
7. Regret
Finally, it's time to crank through that assignment; it isn't going to do itself. After countless hours past your bedtime, you curse yourself for not sticking to your anti-procrastination plan better, wishing more than anything that you could curl back into bed. There will be tears, and you'll probably end up using words in that assignment that your well-rested, reasonable self would never be brave enough to take seriously.
8. Acceptance
You'll hesitate for half a second before submitting your work, wondering if there's anything you should change, but also knowing that you're too lazy to proofread it anyway.
