I hate jeans. Like, I really, really hate jeans. I try to avoid wearing them at all costs, and whenever I do have to wear them, as part of a uniform, I complain for most of the time. People often ask me why I hate jeans so much, and I think, "Isn't it obvious?" I think we all dislike jeans, but my hatred takes it to another level - so I thought I would explain why pants suck so badly. (I bet Satan wears jeans).
You think by May it would warm up enough to where I don't have to wear pants, but here I am, checking the weather and contemplating whether or not I can get away with wearing a dress again or if I'm going to get strange looks walking to class with my exposed legs.
1. They suffocate your legs.
Why do boys get to wear loose jeans but girls jeans are always skinny cut and therefore always squeezing and squishing your legs? Even if you go with some nice flares to give your calves a break, your thighs and butt are sure to still be suffocated. Thankfully, the "boyfriend jean" is now in style. Unfortunately, you have to be six feet tall and thin to actually look good in them, so there goes that option for me. If you try to find a looser cut in between, people will probably tell you that you look like a painter.
2. They're itchy.
Historically, jeans were the clothing choice of the working class only. Denim only became popular in America after the gold rush, when Levi Strauss patented jeans with copper rivets to make them more sturdy. American jeans were literally made to do hard work in, which I am not definitely doing when I am walking to class. Workers wore denim because they were thick enough to protect their skin from burns and cuts. I am not sure who decided we should take these itchy workers pants that are comparable to a thick canvas and make it a widespread fashion statement, but it happened. Due to this sturdy nature, jeans can be quite itchy in comparison to other fabrics. It seems to be difficult to find a high enough quality jean that you aren't scratching your thighs throughout the day.
3. You can't move in them.
Leg suffocation part 2. Again, by their nature, jeans aren't very flexible. Cue so many scenes in movies where people bend down to pick something up and their pants rip. Have you ever tried to sorority squat in jeans? Bending down to tie your shoes is a whole different story.
4. You have to do the "pants dance" to get them on.
We all know it. We all laugh when we do it, while hating ourselves on the inside at the same time. Your jeans shrink right up in the wash and you have to wiggle to get them on. First you get one leg in, then the other, then you jump to the sky to get them the rest of the way there. Cue a few lunges to stretch out those tight legs enough to be walkable, and you're ready to go. (At this point, I am already ready to take them off).
Do the wiggle!
5. You have seam lines on your legs when you take them of.
Aw, how cute, my pants left marks on me! Call it a love bite. Just kidding, they suck. I have bigger calves, so this is always a problem for me. Jeans just love to hug your legs until your circulation gets borderline cut off.
6. They give you muffin tops.
Even if you're a skinny mini, jeans seem to have that magic ability to make you feel like you're spilling out everywhere. They hug your stomach right in that spot that often create muffin tops that were definitely not there before - especially when you are sitting down.
7. They feel gross after you just shaved and put them on.
Putting on jeans right after you shave and put lotion on? I liken this feeling to trying to put leather pants on a slimy octopus tentacle. It really is a disgusting and uncomfortable feeling - luxuriously smooth and roughly itchy just don't go together.
8. You have to keep pulling them up.
Of course, no matter how skinny and tight your jeans are, they always seem to fall down just a little while you're walking, so you gotta hike them back into place so they're firmly suffocating your behind again so you don't feel like a 13 year old skater boy "sagging".
Below is an accurate representation of how I feel towards my denim collection. (I actually only own like three pairs, and they are lucky to have made it this far in my life).
Catch me wearing shorts in the rain and dresses on all the other days! I swear it's better, the water just rolls right off you, and your legs are oh so free. Leg liberation!
