Written by Scott Dubrow & Jake Rheingold, University of Florida
It’s that time of year again. The time of year when guys that are wifed up have gone since new years without screwing up, and the single guys don’t give a crap as always. This time, of course, is Beard SZN (that means season, you chumps). Luckily for you all, we have compiled a list of the hottest facial hair trends in the world.
1. The Chin-Strap.
This well-groomed style has been around since the birth of man. It requires daily attention so it is not for the lazy folk, but it is a big hit with the ladies. Detroit Lions running back Reggie Bush famously won over “reality” star Kim Kardashian with this beard back in 2007, and it is rumored that Kim left him when he decided to shave it. In order to obtain the perfect Chin Strap you have to be meticulous when shaving and shaping your beard. Nothing is worse than a crooked, uneven chin strap. Am-I-right?
2. Friendly Muttonchops.
This is the perfect style to bring across the message that you attended at least 10 Grateful Dead concerts. With a mustache connecting two large patches of hair on each side of your face, girls will be sure to fall into your lap. Whether it is from the beard or the music, at least the girls will be by your side! You gotta keep the face clean and shaven when rocking the chops though. Otherwise you’ll just look like a barbarian.
3. GOATee.
This style is referred to the G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time) for a reason. Walter White famously switched to this facial hairstyle in the hit series Breaking Bad, as his character was turning into more of a rebel. This was no coincidence. This style increases your coolness rating by a casual 2 points (on a 10 point scale), and shows the world that you know what’s up. The GOATee is tough to master, though. You have to get the perfect amount of hair to chin ratio, having a sharp razor when mastering the GOATee is a must.
4. The Classic “Stubble”
After shaving that morning, by the time you hit 5 p.m., there’s a noticeable amount of stubble back on your face. Nothing says “I’m a man’s man” quite like some stubble. After 5 p.m., with stubble on your face, no one would be surprised if they caught you in the act of bench pressing 400 lbs, pounding brews at the local bar or smoochin’ some beaut. At this point, I should point out that “shaving” doesn’t mean using the same blades you’ve had since middle school to saw the hair off your upper lip. No. Be a man. Get a real razor. Try Schick’s Hydro line of razors. They’re less expensive than others, but their 5 blades and fancy aloe will change your life.
5. The Bilzerian
Made famous by astronaut turned entrepreneur turned poker player turned random famous guy Dan Bilzerian, this beard fully covers your face, and is about 3 inches in length. If you have the ability to grow this beard, then you are a champion. This beard is both a gift and a burden. It comes with the ability of being too good looking, the ability to turn someone to stone by a beard-caused wind gust, and the ability to fly. If you want chicks like Bilzerian you have to keep those straggly cheek hairs in check and the shape of your beard trimmed to perfection.
6. Bad Santa
Not to be confused with the Blizerian, the Bad Santa requires long white whiskers at least 6 inches in length dominating your face. This large beard, ideally accompanied by a hefty gut, shows the females that everything about you is big. This, combined with the assumption that you will be “giving” them something will have girls begging.
7. The Neard
The OG of facial hair, or the “all-naturale” as Andrew Luck calls it, is a staple in any man’s facial hair repertoire. While the greatest appeal is the convenience factor (no shaping required), the Neard (neck beard) is perfect for picking up women. Nothing impresses a girl more than seeing a happy trail begin on a mans face. The Neard is usually the last stage of the “I don’t care what I look like” phase and is typically followed by a quick, clean shave.
8. The Hulk Hogan
Made famous by wrestler Hulk Hogan, this beard consists of a thick mustache that travels down both sides of your mouth until it hits your chin. If you have this type of facial hair, then it’s clear that you lift. The requirements for a Hulk Hogan are that you must be at least 250 lbs with under 3% body fat, you must look fire in the colors yellow and red, you must fight for WWE, and you must make random cameos in commercials, movies, and TV shows.This look requires a shaving craftsman. It requires the hand eye coordination of a surgeon. It requires a clean, sharp razor and an understanding that no girl will ever like the way that you look.
