Football season is upon us. We are all getting ready to watch many different pairings of two groups of large men congregate for one sole purpose: to throw a ball over the other group’s line, or, as they call it, to score a touch down.
Here are all the important things you need to know about football from the perspective of a young woman who knows nothing about sports.
1. Deflategate
This was something that happened because Peter Brady cheated at football. Every football in the country is blown up the same amount so all the football players can practice. Bobby Brady practiced with one that had a little less air in it, and then he used the ball with less air during a real game, and the players on the other team lost because they didn’t know how to play with a lighter ball. It was very serious as you can tell by it being named after the nationwide scandal Watergate in which the President of the United States betrayed the entire country. As Richard Nixon let down his country in 1972, so did Greg Brady sometime earlier this year. Maybe he did it at the Superbowl?
2. The Superbowl
Fun fact: Microsoft Word recognizes "Superbowl" as a proper noun and real word. The Superbowl is in February. Football teams play against each other all winter until two finalists remain. The two finalists go head to head while people at home eat potato salad and drink beer. Something crazy always happens during the half-time show. Advertisers try really hard make memorable 30-second commercials. Sometimes people get very angry (or very excited) about who wins the Superbowl, and then start riots. People get hurt at these, but you can’t do much to prevent drunk people from setting stuff on fire.
3. The uniforms
Football players wear very important uniforms. Beneath the stylish jersey and form-fitting capris is a skeleton of sorts. This serves to make the football players look larger than they really are, in order to intimidate the opposing team—much like animals in the wild. Also part of the skeleton is a cup to protect each player from what I am certain is excruciating pain.
4. Soccer
In other countries, they call soccer football because it’s a sport played with the foot. The U.S. decided to throw that out the window, and use the word "football" for a sport played mostly by running with an oblong lump of leather cradled in one’s arms. Other countries make fun of us for this.
5. Teams
People will disregard friendships during football season when a member of the friendship supports an opposing team. You only get to pick one team to like, so choose wisely.
6. Positions
There is an offense player who tackles everyone, a defense who helps people to not get tackled, and a quarterback who is the cool one that everyone throws the ball to—because he is the coolest. In every high school movie, the quarterback dates the head cheerleader—that’s how you know he’s the coolest.
7. High school football
I went to two of these games. They were long, and the football player I liked my Freshman year talked to the cheerleaders instead of me, so it wasn’t a fruitful attendance on my part. My memory is failing me, but I’m pretty sure the second time I went was Senior year for Homecoming. I am positive that I didn’t like anyone on the football team, so I don’t know how my friends convinced me to go. This game was also long.
That’s about all I know about football (besides their mouth guard is attached to the helmet gate in the front which is kind of gross. I’m not sure how you wash that). I hope your favorite group of large men wins in February, and no one sets your city on fire afterward.
