I'm just going to say it, I don't like Halloween. In fact, I really kind of hate it. I don't like being scared, orange isn't really my color, and don't even get me started on the whole cobwebs-as-decorations thing. Here are 7 more reasons why I despise the devil's holiday:

1. Scary movies. Why do we have to devote the entire month of October to showing horrifically scary movies? More importantly, why don't we devote the entire month of February to my favorite movie genre: the romantic comedy? I won't lie, Halloweentown is a cinematic masterpiece and Casper is by far the friendliest ghost I know, but other than that I'm out. The only paranormal activity more terrifying than Paranormal Activity itself is the night camera footage from the Smush Room they used to show on Jersey Shore.

2. Trick-or-treating. Trick-or-treating is way too long, I always quit halfway through and then made my dad carry me back like I was a sack of potatoes. It was payback for making me wear a jacket over my incredibly gorgeous princess costume. (Have you ever seen a princess, Dad? They don't wear windbreakers.) Plus, why again am I walking from house to house to get candy that may or may not have razor blades in them? I just don't understand.

3. Jack-o'-Lanterns. Contrary to popular belief – okay, my personal belief – jack-o'-lanterns are not named after a spooky man named Jack who only has three teeth and likes to smile a lot. According to Wikipedia, the source I trust most, a jack-o'-lantern is “a carved pumpkin, or turnip, named after the phenomenon of strange light flickering over peat bogs called will-o'-the-wisp or jack-o'-lantern.” This only raises more questions for me, however, as I do not know what a peat bog is nor have I ever come across a carved turnip. Either way, carving pumpkins is messy and annoying and some rude squirrel always eats mine so maybe I'm just bitter.

4. Costumes. The only thing worse than an unnecessarily grotesque Halloween costume is an unnecessarily vulgar one. Every costume these days is either too creepy or so politically incorrect you will probably lose your job the day after your office Halloween party. Everyone should just do what I do and stick to female pop icons of the 90s and early 2000s. (For those interested in joining me this year: I am currently one Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams short of a Destiny's Child.)

5. Decorations. Sure, when you have a gigantic, inflatable Winnie the Pooh holding a pumpkin on your lawn for all of October its “cute” and “adorable,” but when I have a life-size cutout of a shirtless Ryan Gosling in a Santa suit on mine for all of December its “uncomfortable” and “cause for concern.” In all seriousness, if we could keep the fake body parts popping out of the grass to a minimum, that would be great.

6. Black cats. I think its best you guys just stay inside for the next couple of weeks. I'm sure you all have lovely personalities, but you're putting me on edge. Which reminds me, I will be staying away from ladders, cracks in the sidewalk, and everything Stevie Wonder sings about in that song.

7. Haunted Mansions and Corn Mazes. Pay money to be scared and get lost? If I wanted to do that I would just go to the grocery store with my mom.