I know, I know, you’re tired of hearing his name. So am I. By now, it’s obvious that Trump is running a dangerous and blatantly discriminatory campaign. Many Americans are worried about the consequences of Trump’s rhetoric, and have been for months.
But the dozens of articles all over the Internet dedicated to destroying Donald Trump are ignoring one key fact: we can’t bring him down unless all seven of his Horcruxes are rooted out and destroyed.
So where are they? Here are some possibilities:
1. Deep in his accountant's office, hidden among his tax returns.
Why isn’t Trump releasing his tax information, as almost every presidential candidate has done in the past? Some might say it’s because he hasn’t paid a dime of his federal taxes in years, and that's probably true, but I think there's definitely a Horcrux hidden in those files as well. As long as he refuses to release them, the Horcrux is safe...unless Harry, Ron, and Hermione have become auditors with the IRS. Watch out, Donny.
2. In his hair.
Did Jimmy Fallon have a brush with death when he tousled Trump’s hair two weeks ago on his late-night show? Possibly. Actually… probably.
3. Hidden in his offshore bank accounts.
Like his tax returns, these babies will probably never see the light of day. Maybe Hillary will take some inspiration from Harry Potter and do some Polyjuice Potion-assisted digging. I, for one, would love to destroy his bank account and then ride out of his vaults on the back of a dragon à la Hermione Granger in Deathly Hallows.
4. Inside a signed copy of The Art of the Deal.
Trump, like Voldemort, is absolutely self-centered enough to hide a piece of his soul inside such a blatantly obvious place.
5. Painted into the fabric of the 6-foot painting of himself that Trump purchased with charity money.
The only way to destroy this one is to dissolve the painting in a vat of the tears of cancer patients and veterans that Trump’s money was supposed to be helping.
6. The golden T at Trump Tower in NYC.
Again, Donny T isn’t smart or subtle. That thing’s definitely a Horcrux.
7. Ivanka Trump.
The media has been freaked out by Donny’s almost-incestuous fascination with his daughter in the past, but no one considered that he is actually hiding a fragmented piece of his soul in her, like Voldemort was with Harry. It could explain a lot.
So just in case actually going out to vote doesn’t stop Trump in November, we should all be prepared to hunt down his Horcruxes as an alternative plan of action. Everybody grab your basilisk fangs; we’ve got work to do.
