Since I was in high school, I realized that I dealt with things a little differently than everybody else. I began having severe bouts of depression where I wanted to never leave my bed and couldn't muster up the effort to participate in my studies like I used to. Whenever I had emotion, it was pure, unadulterated panic. I had several major panic attacks, sometimes at random moments, to where I couldn't complete a full sentence and end up babbling and crying, rocking back and forth. I searched for answers for years - I was told everything from teenage anxiety to simply I work myself up too much. When I finally went to my psychologist, and he officially diagnosed me with Panic Anxiety Disorder and Depression, that is when it clicked. He suggested to go to my doctor to be put on an SSRI to stabilize myself. This was the best decision in the world. I'm finally in a much happier place than I was, I graduated salutatorian of my class, and I made it to college and even made the Dean's List at my private college. Yet, I'm still ashamed by many others who see my medication as something reprehensible.
Why is mental illness such a stigma? Why is medication such a taboo subject? My medication is something that gives me a level playing field, just like everybody else. I am not some being that you have to pity, I am someone who struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life, and I, along with others, want to share with you a few things.
1. My medication is not false happiness.
While there has been several reports and anecdotes saying that on medication, many people became a shell of themselves, I'm here to explain what really happens when you take the right medication. It does not give you false happiness, it's not a bottle of happy pills that someone can give you to fill the absence of feeling; it gives you the ability to feel again. That means that, where before, all I felt was panic, I'm calm enough to experience things that I previously couldn't due to my anxiety. It means that before, I have the ability to actually feel happiness cause I can feel sad, upset, angry, and joyful at the same time. My medication gives me a boost to a base level that most neurotypicals are already at so that I'm on even playing ground with emotions.
2. My medication is not something that prohibits me from anything, and I'm not necessarily dependent on them.
When you are sick, you are given antibiotics to fight off the infection. When you break your leg, you are given casts. People take multivitamins every day to boost their bodies. My medication is the same as antibiotics, they aren't something I'm necessarily dependent on, but something that lets me have a fighting chance at a normal life. I don't lean on them to feel good. They're literally made to help stabilize yourself and your emotions (or lack thereof). Mental Illness is commonly caused by a chemical in the brain, why shouldn't you take medicine for that?
3. I'm not crazy for taking them, and that's insulting.
Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of, almost 1 in 5 of every American suffers from a mental illness. Why is it, that even though mental illness is so prevalent, it is thought about as something shameful? Don't call us crazy or insane. That's extremely hurtful to us and erases the struggle that we go through and strips us down to only our mental illness. My anxiety doesn't define me. My depression doesn't define me. My OCD doesn't define me. Nothing defines me except how I want to show myself.
4. If I miss a day, it takes a major toll on my body.
Think of it as breaking your leg and not wearing your cast all day - all of that hard work that you put into healing suddenly crumbles down and it hurts like the beginning, and it doesn't stop hurting even when you put the cast back on. It takes a few days for it to cool down. That's what happens when I miss my medication. All of my anxiety bundles up and I'm suddenly in constant flight mode, and even after I catch up, it takes a few days for my emotions to regulate back to normal. So, please be patient with those who take medication and don't convince them to 'skip one day'. It can do week's worth of damage. Please be patient to those who struggle.
5. Don't tell us to calm down, or take our "crazy pills" when we relapse.
We have an invisible illness, where we're inside our brains much more than most people can bear. When I was in high school, my anxiety prohibited me from actually socializing and ended up giving me such bad blood pressure and acid reflux that I had to begin taking medicine to regulate those, as well. Anxiety and depression can lead to things such as ulcers, cysts, stress allergies, increased heart rate, and even heart attacks. We can't just calm down, that's not something easy to do.
Instead, wait until we can tell you what we need. Panic attacks, especially, it really just needs to run its course. We usually know better than other people what is happening. Afterward, make sure we take our medicine that we need and make sure we have food and water because after relapses we tire ourselves out.
6. We are not our medication.
I am strong, I am funny, I am witty, and I am loyal. I'm not Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac, etc. I am human. I have my strengths and my weaknesses, and I'm controlling mine. That is the main thing we want people to understand. We are working on ourselves, because of our depression, our anxiety...
That isn't us. Yes, it may be a part of us, but that is not all that we are. It will forever be part of my being, but it won't be something that takes over my life, and my methods of controlling it shouldn't take over your life either.
