I am not good at optimism. When life turns in a direction I didn’t expect, I am not good at perspective -- I am not good at “looking at the bigger picture”. I am not good at humility or positivity. I am not good at expressing myself emotionally. But I am resilient, and I am strong, and I will keep fighting. Why?
Life is not easy. It’s hard – unexpectedly so – and lots of unforeseen things can happen at any given moment and turn your world upside down. There are lots of hard truths that need to be realized if you choose to keep fighting and they are not simple facts that are easy to accept or not accept; they are concepts that will keep you up at night and will be a source of constant mental battle for the rest of your life.
You will spend your entire life searching. Whether that is searching for love, for happiness, or for purpose, you will constantly seek something that is unattainable and that’s okay. I know that sometimes it feels like you’re purposeless and unfulfilled but life isn’t about the moments that you search for, it’s about the spontaneous ones. Live your life knowing that something unexpectedly amazing could happen to you at any minute.
Sometimes the spontaneous moments aren’t great moments. Sometimes they’re full of tragedy and leave you spiraling in a mental abyss. This is when you must focus: Realize that life isn’t fair. No one is deciding what happens to you; things just happen. And yes, sometimes they are horrible and unexplainable and unimaginably painful but you must keep fighting. Be strong. Think of your mother’s smile and the sound of your best friend’s laugh. Think of all the things that have made you live up to this moment, the things that have shaped you into the person that you are. A very specific combination of events occurred so you could be here now, reading this – and that is something very special.
As someone who has really struggled with continuing to fight, maybe I’m not the best source of inspiration. I have been low, very low, but I’m still here and I’m still writing this and I can’t help but believe that I’m meant to be here just as you are. Every event that has transpired within my lifetime has culminated to produce me, exactly as I am. I know that I didn’t put in all this work for nothing.
I have spent so many days feeling like I’m barely treading water and so many nights feeling like I’m just under the surface struggling to breathe. I know it’s hard, of course it’s hard. Nothing about this is easy and I won’t pretend like optimism is the key to wanting to live. It’s not; I wish it were that simple. But I know that even on the days that I can barely drag myself out of bed because of the pit in my stomach, I think about my mom’s smile and the weight on my shoulders is a little bit lighter.
In Memory of Jeremy Chiu
