Following is one of the few universal truths that one can reasonably argue: breakups suck. The last breakup that I had to endure was definitely not on any list of things I’d like to go through again; however, I feel lucky enough to have had a really great two-year relationship that ended amicably, and with mutual intent and respect. This article is a list of five things that I’ve realized since my last relationship ended. I write with the hope that these five truths I have grown to accept might prove to be comforting to those who have been, or will be, in a similar circumstance.
1. Miss my best friend.
This was my most recent, and my most difficult, discovery. In the last few months of my relationship, I was sick and tired of forcing long-distance, and we were both excessively codependent on each other - to the extent that we were both also really insecure. In these truly difficult months, I forgot the part of our relationship that was pure and unadulterated friendship and support. That’s the part of my relationship that I miss. I miss chatting about our favorite TV shows, and I miss getting food together, and I miss watching movies together, and celeb-crushing together. I miss my best friend a lot more than I miss my boyfriend.
2. My relationship was not always perfect.
I remember on the night of the big ugly breakup, I was super upset because I felt like, with the end of a two-year relationship, it was the “end of an era.” In the immediate aftermath of our “trauma,” it was hard not to react dramatically. After another semester away at school, a welcome vacation from the home of my relationship, it was easier to remember that ending of my relationship was no tragedy.
We had problems.
We are extremely different people.
We grew apart.
Long distance is a generally awful experience.
My relationship, especially in the last few months, was no fairytale. In the last few months, my relationship only brought me pain and stress and heartache and frustration. Yes, it sucked to see a person from my life, who was so important to me, disappear. But yes, it was also the right thing for me to do, to take care of myself at that particular time in my life. It’s important for me to remember that, in my relationship, we were not happy enough at every moment to rationalize staying together.
3. However, sometimes it was perfect.
On the flip side of things, shortly after my relationship ended, I also went down the road in which I hated anything to do with the memories of my past relationship and of my ex-boyfriend. This was healing, in a way, in that it helped me avoid thinking about the parts of my relationship that had hurt me most. Looking back, however, it also feels really nice to reminisce. Once I had healed, (you know, mostly) it felt good to remember that, while our relationship wasn't perfect, it was, obviously, never all that bad. As I look back now, I fondly remember how close we used to be, how much we laughed together, and all the adventures we embarked on together. Remembering all this makes me really appreciate the two-years we had together and makes me really grateful for the relationship we had. I don’t regret a minute of it.
4. I got closure…and then I didn’t.
Every so often I find myself thinking that I’d like to get in touch again, to be friends again. This is a extremely unlikely, and it’s not a particularly smart idea.
It would've been a lot easier to simply forget he ever existed in my life. Unfortunately, I’ve seen him twice this summer, with drastically different outcomes respectively. The first time he crossed my path, I was in my favorite restaurant a few days after I returned home for the summer. I was in a good mood, and thus found this experience all too hilariously awkward and trivial. I spent the 20-minutes or so making eyes with my sister in response to the overdone family gathering, in which everyone was doing everything possible to avoid mentioning anything to do with me. I vividly remember feeling overjoyed at my surprising and overwhelming apathy. I was like, “This is fine. Look at me being fine. Look how awesome this is, I’ve got my closure and I totally won this relationship.”
Earth to Lizzie… flash forward to a few weeks later, and I wasn't feeling so hot.
We crossed paths for the second time at my sister’s high school band event. I got this stupid idea into my head that we’d end up falling back into place and that we’d chat for a bit. You know, because I was “fine,” and I had “closure,” and I had “won.”
Never make the mistake of thinking that everything’s going to be cool, and that you’ll be friends again, just like that. Especially if you’re too shy to initiate any conversation whatsoever. It was obvious that neither of us were gutsy enough to get within 10-feet of each other.
This awkward night of non-action got me pretty upset. In the environment of my old high school, watching him joyously catch up with his old friends (but, you know, not me) I didn't feel like I won the relationship at all; at that moment, I felt more like my high school’s biggest loser, who everyone was whispering about from afar.
The only bit of wisdom that I’ve gathered from that night is that it’s really okay to think that you’re fine, and then realize you're not. Feeling better is something that’s allowed to take time.
5. My relationship made me become a better (and happier) person.
Close to a year after I ended my relationship, I am stronger, more confident and more aware of my sense of self. I have my relationship to thank for that; breaking up challenged me to start fresh, and to mend what wasn't working anymore. In the last year, so much of me has changed. I barely recognize myself in the hundreds of photos of me grinning next to the boyfriend. From the way I dress, to the people I like and hang out with, to the things I like to do and study, I am a new person now. I also treat myself in a healthier way. I feel more secure and sure of myself. I don’t need constant approval from another person. I’m am generally more confident and independent. I can now understand, with a new perspective, the destructive habits that I developed in my relationship over the last two years. I couldn't function on my own, and I couldn’t feel OK without validation and comfort from my boyfriend.
I am relieved that I have now “recovered,” so to speak, and that I have written new ways of living for myself, which keep me happier and healthier. Despite how subconsciously unhealthy I often used be in my relationship, I know that the two years I spent suffering through immense insecurity were necessary to my development of better habits. If I had not had a relationship, if I had not begun to acknowledge my levels of codependency, and if I had not finally broken it off, I don't think I would've achieved the same level of self-awareness that I have now. I am so thankful for my relationship, for so many reasons, including the pivotal learning and maturing experience it provided for me.
