As I write this a lot of things flow through my mind. Fear being the biggest one. The fear that maybe I am writing this for no reason because it won't impact anything. However, my hope, because I also feel hopeful is that my boyfriend, in the end, will understand more about me not only as a borderline but as his girlfriend as well. I also hope to help other couples who one suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. There are many things I wish my boyfriend know but here are five things that I as a Borderline wished he knew.
1. I don't mean to overreact.
Now, when I say overreact I mean about pretty much about everything. I don't mean to think when you are with your friend that you are doing something behind my back. I don't mean to get angry when you forget to call me back. I don't mean to be concerned every time your phone goes off. It is part of my condition. Worry. Worrying about everything and anything. I don't mean too.
2. When I am sad, it's not a normal sad.
You know those days where I lay down and cry? I don't mean to, I just feel sad. However, its not a normal sad. Its this all of a sudden, overwhelming, "what the hell is going on?" kind of sad. I don't always know why I am sad, I just become sad. It feels good and makes me happy when you understand that I am not okay. It makes me feel better when you lay down with me and try to stop the crying. The support you give me, it means a lot.
3. I am scared you will leave.
Being with me can be hectic. Or plain crazy we can say that too. I get nervous you will leave. When you leave with friends or when you don't text me back after a long time I get scared I am losing you. It's not that I mean to worry it's just that my brain makes me. I worry that when we fight I am going to make you leave me. I know sometimes I tell you we are done but in reality I just want you to comfort me and let me know we will work it out.
4. It's okay if you don't always understand.
I know that you do not have Borderline Personality Disorder. So I cannot always expect you to understand how I feel or what is going on. The reason being is because I know I don't always make sense. I am confusing. One minute I am happy, then sad, then punching walls. Its a big mix of all the emotions and I know you cannot always feel the emotion that I am feeling.However, I want to thank you for trying to be understanding.
5. Thank you for everything.
Thank you. Thank you for going to doctors with me. Thank you for reminding me to take my medication. Thank you for trying to calm me down when I am sad. Also, thank you for being mine. I don;t tell you enough that I actually really do appreciate you. I love you.
Talking about my Borderline Personality Disorder has become a lot harder for me. Learning new things about myself. Trying to cope with my emotions better. Learning how to express more of what I wished my family and friends knew. Out of all the things I wish I could tell my boyfriend, these five are the most important.
