Time moves fast, and trends come and go. One hobby that seems to have been gaining more and more popularity as of late, however, is tattoos. A 2016 Harris Poll claims that 3 out of 10 Americans today are tattooed, and most of those multiply. Why are so many young adults nowadays covering themselves up with unsightly ink, foregoing conservative conventions for self-expression like some kind of hooligans?

Regardless of changing public opinion, however, many institutions still frown upon excessive tattoo-getting as ill-advised, immature, or unprofessional. Various careers/roles/workplaces reject or forbid this insensible “art.” Here’s some reasons you should listen to what they have to say.

1. Tattoos are like a brand.

Tattoos mark you indelibly, visibly, however you choose. It is so very rare to be able to, in any manner, choose how we appear on the outside. We can work out, dye our hair, change our clothes, pierce our skin, but none of these are permanent, not like tattoos. Why jump at the chance to become the author of your own design, to have the ability to take control of your own form? We all know that nature must know better than we ever could. After all, how could we ourselves have the insight necessary to decorate our bodies? They don’t belong to us. They belong to… I dunno, the gaze of others, probably. Or your parents. Or the government. Anybody but us.

2. Tattoos tell us where we’ve been.

Tattoos are like rings on a tree; they recollect the past. I can remember… I mean, an anonymous friend can remember where every tattoo was inked, when they were received, who with, and during what period of life. Who would want that? Nobody wants to see where they’ve been, to look back at old memories and have or wear a marker of the past. That’s why we don’t keep old yearbooks, or teach our children history. One who forgets the past is set to be perfectly content for the rest of their life, as the saying goes. There is no benefit to nostalgia or self-analysis.

3. Tattoos are visually unattractive.

Let’s face it, carefully coloring a flesh-and-blood canvas via hours and hours of cautious needling, which of course can’t be undone or erased, to create a brilliant work of imagery or text that will not only be coherent and age well, but also heal and retain its shape over a person’s entire life? That’s not art. It’s basically graffiti or desecration. Tattoos are not beautiful, creative, artistic, or impressive in any way. And we all know there’s no point to anything that’s not beautiful.

4. There is no meaningful value to tattoos.

Aside from the visual value of tattoos (or lack thereof), anyone who gets inked is essentially wasting money on a design that has no meaning. Of course, flash tattoos and pure aesthetic are already value-less if you accept the premise that art for art’s sake is foolish, which is clearly evident in the history of completely meaningless art over the past many centuries. But even so-called meaningful tattoos are fraught with pointlessness. Where is the benefit in a tattoo which covers up or beautifies past scars or injuries? What about memorial tattoos commemorating people who are meaningful to you? Or tattoos which match or complement that of a loved one? Bah humbug, I say. Isn’t a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day enough for you? And then there are the people who get zodiac tattoos, religious or cultural iconography, tattoos of things they love or symbols which hold personal meaning, or even political tattoos or designs which designate them as a survivor. What’s up with that? If you really care about something, you’ll keep it to yourself. And by yourself I mean on the inside. Putting it on your body makes no sense.

5. Tattoos are a frivolous experience.

Last but not least, tattoos signify the opposite of a committed, thoughtful, or brave person. It’s not like some tattoos take multiple sessions of multiple hours to ink, cause any sort of pain or physical exertion, or are seriously permanent contracts with your body, which you have to take care of so that they heal properly. A person with a tattoo says something about themselves, and it’s obviously not anything related to the actual ink; it says, “I’m fickle and weak and have no sense of self.” If you want to know that someone in your life has values like dedication, self-actualization, personal confidence, or creativity, just go check to see if they have a fish. That’s real responsibility.*

So why get a tattoo? As you can see, there’s really no good reasons at all. Self-expression, history, beauty, personal meaning, or a sense of empowerment or commitment are all clearly frivolous motivators indicating flawed personality. So next time you see a well-inked individual and feel the urge to judge them for their choices, feel secure in your instinctive reaction. To trust the character of an individual who dedicates themselves to tattoos is a logical mistake indeed.

*Point of clarification: forgive this sentence’s inclusion in my satire. Fish are, indeed, a real responsibility. If your goldfish dies after five days, you are doing it wrong. Stop killing fish.