Every year at thanksgiving we are forced to socialize with all of our family members, regardless of how little in common we have with them. There are bound to be many strange moments and characters along the way, but here are a few people you may encounter this holiday season.
1. The Racist Grandpa
He’s the pinnacle character at every family gathering, and without him the holidays would be truly incomplete. Listen as he tells you about how lazy Hispanics are, how African-Americans are the source of all crime in America, and why police officers are here to protect everyone equally. He’ll probably be the first one drunk, and the first person to fall asleep in some worn-out lazy boy recliner while watching football. Don't change the channel though; he was listening to it, even if he was totally unconscious three seconds ago. He'll probably throw in some degrading comments about women while every female family member in the house prepares dinner, sets the table, and cleans up the mess afterwards. He's probably ecstatic about Obama leaving office, and if you even attempt to play the take-a-sip-every-time-he-says-something-offensive drinking game, you'll probably end up with alcohol poisoning.
2. The Moody Cousin
He probably arrived to dinner on an old motorcycle wearing all black, and only talk to maybe two people the whole time he's there. He won't make eye contact with anyone, and will leave several times during the night to take smoke breaks or drive down to the local corner store for Jack Daniels and Patrón to get through the night. If he does talk to you, he'll definitely tell you about how all religion is B.S., why you shouldn't trust the government, and send you a Spotify playlist consisting of nothing but Five Finger Death Punch and Godsmack. His mom will ask him what happened to the girl he used to hang out with all the time, and he'll say that he “just didn't feel a connection” and that “she wanted too much commitment”. He'll refuse to say grace with the rest of the family, and be generally rebellious and difficult the entire night. He'll leave early after one final cigarette, and drive off into the horizon, not to be seen again until next year.
3. The Screaming Child
Every cousin in the family has taken this role at one point or another, but his year there's a new kid, and the “special” kid from last year is sure to be butthurt and jealous about the new arrival. From the moment you walk through the door, the sound of blood-curling screams begin, and soon you see the onesie-outfitted child with snot running down their nose playing with some annoying talking toy with songs that will drive you absolutely nuts after you've heard them on repeat for 5 hours straight. Get ready to watch your weird aunts pinch their cheeks and say how much they've grown, while you try to get as far away from the little germ-magnet as possible. You'll probably get annoyed but them, but bit your lip, because you don't wanna get a lecture from your dad about how you were the exact same way, and have no reason to judge.
4. The Date
One of your cousins is bound to bring a new guy or girl along to show them off and let them know how truly crazy your family is. After all, you gotta know what you're signing up for, right? They'll probably only talk to the person they came with the whole night, and make awkward small talk with their date’s parents. Watch as their faces grow slowly more mortified and uncomfortable as your uncles/aunts make semi-perverted sexual comments about how good looking they are, and see the hope drain from their eyes when they look at the clock and realize they've only been there for 20 minutes. They'll be one of the first to leave (not before the Moody Cousin, of course) and take home some leftover slices of pie for the road. They'll be happy to go, but dread the ride home conversation with your family member about the night and how completely ridiculous everyone is.
5. Your Mom
“Why aren't you talking to anyone? Go socialize! They're your family!”: a phrase that's been repeated verbatim for the past 5 Thanksgivings when your mom finds you sitting alone playing on your phone. She'll tell you that if you don't socialize, she'll force you to help cook, and so you try to strike up dumb conversations with your relatives and hang out with your weird cousin that you have nothing in common with. She'll talk to your aunties about how smart you are, and stretch the truth about your accomplishments. After all, you have to be most successful out of all your cousins, right? She probably pull you over and show them how tall you are, and give you the upper arm death grip when you say some smartass comment to them. She'll lecture you on the drive home about how you need to stop being so shy and awkward all the time, but you'll just tune her out and wait till you can return to the safety of your room again.
Even with all the passive-aggressive comments, unresolved family drama, and basic awkwardness that comes from talking to people you barely know once a year, you still love your family no matter what, even with all their flaws. You must love people with their imperfections the same way they love you with yours. Happy Thanksgiving, and make sure your mouth doesn't get you in trouble this year!
