49 Questions I Have For The University Of Wisconsin-Madison

As the second semester approaches, I realize I have a lot of unanswered questions for the University of Wisconsin. For instance, why don't they combine our Wiscards and Red Cards? Why are the circle potatoes from Gordon’s so good? Who do I ask these questions to? Administration? The students? Not sure, but hopefully I’ll find some answers.

1. Why do the Badger Football Season Tickets go on sale at the crack of dawn?

2. Why has a UHS diagnosis made me believe I was going to die?

3. Will my butt get bigger from walking up Bascom?

4. Will anything good come from walking up Bascom?

5. Why am I always walking uphill?

6. Do cops ever make real arrests at the Mifflin Street Block Party or just pose for pictures with drunk teenagers?

7. Will Wisconsin ever not be nationally ranked in both football and basketball?

8. What’s the secret recipe for the sauce in the spring rolls served at the food cart nobody knows the name of on State?

9. Why does the UWPD Twitter account have no chill?

10. And when the dogs came to the dorms, where did everyone hide their stashes?

11. Do you think of the beach when someone mentions the SERF?

12. Is Jumping Around a sufficient workout?

13. How many Buckys actually are there?

14. Does the temperature ever go above zero?

15. Can I actually skate on the frozen-over lakes or should I just take my new profile picture and then frantically escape?

16. Does rubbing Abe’s foot even work?

17. If I get hit by a bus, will my tuition really be paid for?

18. Why does every building make me feel like I’m in a science fiction movie?

*Van Vleck*

19. Why is the Humanities building the way that it is?

20. Why are the South East dorms the best place to live, but actually the worst?

21. How does anyone live or find their way home in Lakeshore?

22. Did a homeless man actually live in the stacks of Memorial for an entire year?

23. Why do I cry every time I pass a homeless dog on the street?

24. Who can help the dogs?

25. Why is there anyone other than Kim ever making eggs at Gordon’s?

26. How come the trays make such good sleds?

27. And how come the flamingos make such good beer bongs?

28. Why do some classes use Canvas and others still use Learn@UW?

29. Will I ever wake up before noon after A-barring on Langdon all night?

30. Why is Camp Randall so far away?

31. Will I ever make it to a football game in time for kickoff?

32. Why do I know all of the words to Sweet Caroline?

33. Will the line at The Double U on gameday ever not go all the way the side alleyway?

34. How can I steal a chair from Memorial Union Terrace when you keep locking them up with chains?

35. Which lake is better?

36. How many kinds of cheeses are actually sold at the farmers market?

37. How many times can I skip class for FAC without hating myself?

38. How many people sneak into the Hub pool?

39. Why do I go to Wisconsin when I’m lactose intolerant?

40. Do the workers at Ian’s pizza ever get annoyed by exclusively serving drunk teenagers?

41. Why do we want people to “eat sh*t”?

42. Why does the entire state of Wisconsin come to Madison for Halloween?

43. Why are there so many differences between a Coastie and a Sconnie?

44. How bored was Mark Grayson to ever create “If You’re a Badger” in the first place?

45. Why do finals go until Christmas Eve?

46. How do you sleep at night selling red and white bibs for $50 to broke college students?

47. Why does Officer Kelly find such joy in ruining the lives of Greek Life students?

48. Will Minnesota ever get the Axe back?

49. Does a better school even exist?