If you really knew me…you’d know that I’m lactose intolerant. You heard that right. Being lactose intolerant has *not kidding* been a defining characteristic of mine for many years. When I was in high school, being lactose intolerant is what I was known for. If anyone didn’t have a comeback for anything about me, all they had to do was throw out a simple “Well, at least I can eat ice cream.” While I’m not sure whether or not I should be proud or ashamed of being infamous for my inability to eat dairy, I can proudly say that I was at least known for something in high school. Being one of maybe four other (known) lactose intolerant people in my high school, it was oddly -- almost too-- comforting to meet so many other lactose intolerant people upon coming to college. Among my fellow dairy-free peers, I found myself able to freely talk about lactose intolerant struggles and have other people understand. So, in perhaps what might be one of the lamest articles I have ever written, I have decided to highlight the many thoughts a lactose intolerant person encounters in a day.
1. "Wow, that looks so good."
2. Oh, wait. That’s a grilled cheese. How typical.
3. I wonder if I have any Lactaid pills...
4. *Hopelessly checks every purse and pocket I have.*
5. Nope, not today. Why do I always let myself live under this false hope? I knew I didn’t have any.
6. I think there might be some under the seat of my car.
7. Or maybe I could call a friend and ask if they have some at their house? I know I always leave my trail there.
8. What about some unwrapped ones at the bottom of my purse?
9. Pull yourself together, too gross. No dairy product is actually worth that.
10. Okay, well let’s see what else I can get on the menu that doesn’t have dairy.
11. All right, so I’m left with a salad.
12. Well, I have wanted to go on a diet lately. Maybe this will just serve as a little kick-start. No time like the present.
13. Am I sure I don’t have any lactaid pills?
14. Is there a CVS or Walgreens nearby?
15. I should Yelp that.
16. Maybe I can just go buy some and come back. Do it for the cheese.
17. Okay, coveted dairy magic pills, where are you located?
18. Awesome, in the laxatives and digestion section.
19. Don’t mind me people, just buying some pills so I don’t die later.
20. WHY ARE LACTAID PILLS SO EXPENSIVE?
21. Don’t get the chewable; you remember how bad those were last time.
22. All right, lactaid pills in hand. Grilled cheese, I’m coming at you.
23. Four types of cheese on this one. Okay, well this is just cool, great, and awesome.
24. How many pills should I take?
25. Three? Four? Five?
26. I’ll do four. One for each type of cheese. That seems safe.
27. I can just smell the dairy from here. I cannot wait.
28. Look at all these selfish people in line. Just eating their dairy so carefree.
29.They have no idea how good they have it.
30. I wonder what I would do if I could eat dairy like them.
31. I would probably have ice cream every day.
32. Or a milkshake. I used to love those.
33. Didn't Ben & Jerry's make dairy free ice cream?
34. God Bless Ben & Jerry. I can totally have a dairy-free milkshake.
35. I think this might be better than Christmas.
36. Okay, don't get too excited. Remember to read the packaging and take with my first bite.
37. No, I’m not taking drugs, lady.
38. Have none of these people ever seen someone take a Lactaid pill before?
39. I forgot how much I love cheese.
40. I would totally take this grilled cheese to a date party.
41. This is the best day of my life.
42. I’m not even thinking about the off chance that these Lactaid pills don’t work as well as they should.
43. Whatever, no amount of pain later will make it so that this grilled cheese isn’t worth it.
*One hour later*
44. Okay, so maybe I don’t feel too well.
45. That grilled cheese was so worth it.
46. The memories of our time together will help me make it through this pain.
47. What’s that saying? Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened?
48. I’m so proud of my digestive system for being such a trooper right now. I know I did something bad.
49. 10/10 would do again.
50. Wait. Where did I put my Lactaid pills?
