As I gear up for 2017 and prepare to go back to James Madison University for another semester, I reflect on some important questions that we Dukes need answered. I’m not sure who (if anyone) can answer these questions, but I needed to share.

1. Who decided we were going to call the main part of campus “West Campus” just because the other side is called “East Campus?”
2. Why are the bathroom stalls so short?
3. Is that part of the secret plan to make everyone at JMU so friendly?
4. Why does campus always stink after it rains?
5. Is it from the cow farms, chicken coops down 81 or do we just use nasty mulch?
6. Was campus designed to intentionally make every day leg day?
7. Were the people who built the stairs by the stadium (you know the ones) really cruel, or did they just not think that we actually like being able to breathe after walking up steps?
8. So… if I “accidentally” walk in front of one of the buses, will you pay for my tuition?
9. Do you just have an entire building filled with quad bricks to replace the ones that are stolen every day?
10. Where is that building, and can I borrow a few bricks… you know, for safekeeping?
11. Why do we have such weird chairs in SSC?
12. Why is SSC closed on the weekends?
13. Why is the stadium so unsymmetrical?
14. Who buys all the purple and gold streamers for football games?
15. Why do we have a canon that goes off every time we get a touchdown?
16. Where do the giant “JMU” letters that pop up around campus come from?
17. How did the Quad Cats become a thing?
18. Was a past university president just really into cats and decided we needed them roaming campus at all times?
19. Is there something in the water that makes everyone so dang nice?
20. Are the dining hall employees told to become our best friends?
21. What makes the buff-mash so good?
22. I’m sure you’ve heard of the D-Hall dash… do you actually put laxatives in our food?
23. How did we even get one of the four Starbucks trucks in existence?
24. Does Alger just really love Starbucks?
25. Can the Starbucks truck follow me around from class to class?
26. Where do all the pennies go in the Burruss fountain?
27. Is it wrong we call the health building “chubbs” (CHBS)?
28. Who decided ECL was a better name for Rose Library?
29. Exactly how clean is the water in Newman Lake?
30. Is there just one Duke Dog or an entire army of them?
31. Why do the storm/thunder sirens sound like trucks obnoxiously honking their horns on 81?
32. Why do we need those sirens?
33. How dirty are the “drunk buses” after each weekend?
34. Are the bus drivers just told to put up with us on the buses?
35. Do JMU faculty/staff ever call the buses “drunk buses?”
36. Was TDU really designed to be like Central Perk in Friends?
37. Why is the lounge in Madison Union called the Airport Lounge?
38. Why is the Village basically the slums of JMU?
39. Why is the Health Center closed at the worst times?
40. Do I need to put my illness on hold for when it opens?
41. Why can’t I get all my prescriptions filled at the pharmacy on campus?
42. Why don’t all dorms have AC?
43. Why did students have to wait so long to get wifi in dorms?

Despite all of these crazy questions, what I really, really need to know is: How did JMU become so awesome?