Being alive is hazardous. In every passing moment, you're surrounded by a host of calamities ready to fling you from this mortal coil and fall arse first into Charon's cramped and crowded canoe.
Whether you're going sky-diving for a lark or attempting to swallow a pea that's become lodged in your poorly designed throat, you'll need all the help you can get if you want to make it to an age where people won't say, "he was too young," when you inevitably die.
4. Wear protective gear at all times.
Contact with the physical world is the number one killer of all living things. Yeah, I know, I sound like your mum when you try to go skateboarding with your cool friends who despise safety gear, but I'm 100% for real, yo.
These are my pajamas.
Start off with knee-pads, elbow-pads, and a helmet. They can protect you from stuff like bird shit, which is known to harvest seriously dangerous bacteria, as well as incoming projectiles or falling over drunk in the street.
3. Always carry disposable rubber gloves and sanitizer.
Think of the amount of objects you touch in a day. Then think of the amount of other people who also touch those objects. It's a high number, right?
Do you trust those people to not have deadly illnesses, like tuberculosis or the mumps? You've never even met them. How do you know they're not running around trying to infect everybody with their ill health, fueled by jealousy of your good health.
"Those dirty hand-rails won't get me. Not like my wife."
Alternatively, you can wear disposable rubber gloves to avoid making skin contact with anything ever again.
2. Research medical science.
There is a small percentage of our society who dedicate their short lives to extending the lives of others through the modern wizardry known as science. Whether it is the genuine desire to help people not die, or the seductive wage packet and honorable milieu, these are the chosen few who actively seek out the rules of death and develop ways to prolong his visit.
With steel, snakes and brute strength.
If you were to become a useful part of the medical science community, then it would suggest that you also had a substantial amount of medical knowledge.
This medical knowledge could be just what you need to tick over a few extra years and avoid jumping the gun on kicking the bucket.
1. Go with your gut instinct.
It so happens that all people throughout history who have claimed to know ways to stay healthy and live for a long time have eventually died like everyone else. Many too young for that matter. So who's advice do you trust when you're looking for a few extra years crawling warily through this booby-trapped existence?
Your own. Nobody's done it right so far, so who's to say you're wrong? Do you think Keith Richards followed mainstream methods of life-extension? No! And he's perfectly fine.
Now that you've done a little research into life elongation tactics, you must be feeling a little better knowing that you can press the snooze button on your inevitable death.
Did these tactics work for you? Have some suggestions of your own? Tell me I'm a complete buffoon in the comments below!