When you're younger, you never realize what you have until it's gone. One day, you wake up and everything was just like it was the day before but when you go to bed that same day everything is different. On August 31, 2013, I saw my dying father in the hospital and when I got home from the movies, that same day, just two hours after seeing him, I was told that he passed away. My whole entire world changed that day and the pain never really goes away.
1. It's okay to not be okay
Some days you will wake up and you can't get out of bed. I had those days a numerous amount of times when my dad passed away. Of course, I had some time to prepare for it but in reality, you are never ready for the death of a loved one. If you need to just lay in bed one day or you need to just cry, do it. But don't let it be a reoccurring thing. Your loved one will not want you to be sad every day of your life. You need to live life for them because their life has ended. It's your job to live yours up as if you're living for them.
2. People are going to try and comfort you
People who think they know what you're going through are going to try and comfort you. I'm sorry but unless they lost the same person (i.e. if you lost a dad and they lost a dad) then they don't know what you're going through at all. Your grief is your grief and their grief is their grief. None of it is the same period, amen. Especially if you're younger, a person your age won't know what to say. They're young and going through teenage hormones and they don't understand how your family dynamic changed from day to night. So when people say "I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through I lost my..." and the story goes on to something that doesn't relate to you at all, they're just trying to show that you're not alone. Just smile and nod when that happens.
3. Your loved one is going to miss major things in your life
My dad passed away when I was fifteen years old and all I could think was that he's going to miss all of these things and I'm going to need him. What helped me though was the unlimited support from my family and my close neighborhood. My mother is my biggest support of them all and without her, I wouldn't be where I am today. It was hard not having my dad see me get my driver's license or see me go to prom or see me get my high school diploma. He actually worked at the university that I actually attend and it pains me to not see him here. I was supposed to see him working on campus and I was supposed to stop in his building and we could've grabbed lunch but I can't do that. Thankfully, I still see people who he worked with and the comforting part is that they're looking out for me like he was supposed to.
It's going to be even harder when he's not there to walk me down the aisle to my future husband. He was going to dance with me to "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle and then he was going to dance those ridiculous dance moves that would've made everyone laugh and I would've been embarrassed. He was would've been the grandfather-to-be to amazing grandchildren and he would've been a spectacular one, too.
Bottom line, it's not okay that your loved one is missing these major things in your life. It's okay to be angry and it's okay to cry but you have to realize that they wanted to watch you accomplish great things. They wanted to see you graduate and they wanted to see you get married and fall in love. They would've wanted to catch you when you got your heartbroken but they're not. I'm not going to say that cliché line "they're watching over you from Heaven" because personally, I think it's a load of crap. It's not the same as them standing in front of you saying "I am so proud of you" and then they would give you their signature hug that you miss so much.
4. You're going to find people who support you in everything that you do
The saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is near and dear to my heart. Thankfully, I had the best neighborhood who has always looked after one another and then when tragedy struck, they were there to catch my family and I. When my dad was first diagnosed, my neighborhood set up a MealTrain. Basically, they fed my family five nights a week for the whole month of October while he was receiving radiation treatment. On Sundays, we would have people come over and eat our leftovers and we would watch the New York Giants play (and they probably lost a lot that season). When he was diagnosed the second time, we received dinner three nights a week and our good friends would join us. A lot of people sat with my dad at the end and his hospice room was never empty.
The reason that they stuck around was that my father took care of our neighbors. If you got snowed in, my dad was the one shoveling you out so that you could go to work and you wouldn't have to worry about it because Charlie had your back. He was a handyman and would fix anything that needed to be repaired. Finding someone to fill that void was complicated for my mother. My dad had a "guy" for everything. He was in the construction industry for crying out loud! He was also the life of the party and he made people laugh, too. Sometimes, his jokes were terrible and would make my younger brother upset and then my mother would yell at my father and everything would end in chaos! I was always told larger than life personalities often leave the biggest heartaches behind and oh, how that is so true.
My grandparents played a huge role in helping us, too. My grandfather would go with my parents to doctor appointments. He would make the ride to Philadelphia, PA so my mom would have another pair of ears to take in the information. While my grandfather was in Philly, my grandmother would be at my house to make sure my brother and I got home safely. Another thing that my grandparents would do was they would take me out to breakfast on Saturdays and then they would take me to see my horse. My horse was about a half hour away and it was a lot on my mom to take me there and back so my grandparents would help out a lot. When I go my permit, my grandfather would let me drive and he played a huge part in me learning how to drive.
So as you go through life without your loved one, please know that the grief becomes easier to cope with. It's never going to get better with time- that's just a foolish lie that people use to make the pain go away temporarily. Walk through life with your head held high and live your life to the fullest for them.
