Here we go. A college girl is going to talk about love. So let’s start here. I am NOT the love expert, by any means. But I do love. Deeply. I love my family and I love my friends, however, this article is about the newest recipient of my love: my boyfriend.
My boyfriend Kyle and I have been together for eight months. This is not a terribly long time, but I’ve spent a good amount of time throughout college thinking about and realizing just how much life can change for you over the course of just a couple months. So to think of being young, in college, and with the same person for eight months, I consider that a wonderful thing for us. It’s stability (and aren’t all of us youngsters begging for some form of that).
I could launch into a whole book of both cliché and unique reasons why I believe Kyle is so wonderful, but not too long after we got to know each other, I had someone ask me to tell her my favorite thing about him. I replied immediately. My favorite thing about Kyle is that he communicates with me. If he’s upset, he tells me - even if he’s upset with me. If he’s happy, he tells me why. If he’s sad, he seeks comfort from me. And if he’s struggling with something, he confides in me. Communication seems like a simple concept. It is not.
Kyle and I go to different schools, which are two hours away from each other. Between work and school we’re limited to seeing each other on the weekends. So now you see just how important honest and genuine communication is for our relationship. While communication is vital for any relationship (romantic or otherwise), Kyle and I have relied on its truest version our entire dating experience. I mean this to say that I am not around him very much, so body language and actions speaking louder than words are luxuries we don’t get often.
When we first started dating I saw him every weekend. When summer came I lucked out, and we saw each other for longer periods of time, and often. Then came the fall semester. Between football season, work, and school, Kyle and I see each other every other weekend, if we’re lucky. I wish I could say our communication has stayed the same, and that our time apart has had no negative effects on us. But it hasn’t. We have failed each other. Time apart strains us, which strains our communication, which perpetuates itself, cycling back to push us apart.
However, the main problem we experience is time. Time to connect. When we’re together it’s a constant flow of activity. So we don’t communicate well when we’re apart. And we don’t communicate well when we’re together… You see where I’m going.
But because at the root of it all, we still strive to make communication our strong suit, last weekend Kyle told me he had a surprise for me. I’ll save the buildup and get straight to it. We went in his room, turned off the lights, cuddled up beside each other, and he got out his phone. What happened next was just the two of us asking each other some questions. 36 questions to be exact.
In early 2015, The New York Times posted an article titled “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.” It gives a short introduction before listing the questions. The introduction refers to a study done by a psychologist who questioned whether or not love (or at least a level of intimacy) can be sped up by answering a series of personal questions. The idea behind this being that people come closer together when both expose vulnerability. I agree with the idea that shared vulnerability causes a certain level of intimacy, but I had not read any of this introduction before Kyle started the questions.
Overall, it took us about 45 minutes or so to get through. He would ask, I would answer, and then I would ask for his answer. The questions started off easy, and as they progressed they got more personal. Some of them I could answer right away, and others took me a bit of thinking. I have no parts of myself that I hide from Kyle, but I wanted to be as truthful and honest as possible.
Those 36 questions could not have come at a better time. I found several things to be interesting about this little exercise. It was designed based on the idea that two people fairly new to each other may experience intimacy faster. Like I said, Kyle and I have been dating for eight months, and known each other for a little bit longer than that, so the interesting part for us was not learning the other one’s answers, but relearning how we felt about one another. I knew many of Kyle’s answers before he said them, or at least knew the nature of how he would answer. So I felt reassured – reassured that I truly do know him, and that we really had communicated well. When I would struggle to find the right wording for my answer Kyle would offer up his answer, and I would find myself feeling the exact same way. It’s like he knew what I was thinking, he was just better at articulating it; and I’d find myself feeling the same way all along. So I realized important things we have in common. Some of the answers made us stop and just hug each other for a second, just to love each other. Some of the answers made me realize things I love about Kyle that I had known all along - I just needed a reminder.
I would by no means say that my relationship is fizzling. It’s still as “lit” as the town of Whoville on Christmas day (yes, I did actually just say that). It was just nice to remember the simple things. The reasons I fell in love with him, and the reason our communication is my most cherished thing we share. I’m 22 years old and a senior in college. I would be willing to bet most of you understand where I’m going with this. Communication. Is. Hard. You’re split between you're family, friends, classmates, co-workers, and countless other outlets. Forming relationships only comes with communication in its simplest form, yet alone fostering true, loving relationships.
All of this to say, I beg you to take this “quiz” with someone you care about. And it wasn’t just made for couples. It’s 36 questions that lead to love. Of any type. I would be just as interested, if not more, to sit down with some of my oldest friends and go through these questions. I have always had the fear that I’ll go through a lifelong friendship and miss the simplest of things about someone. Maybe on your path to learning someone’s deepest darkest secret you never even learn what that person’s first pet was. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you don’t think about these things. Or maybe you meet at least one person you want to know everything about, and enough will never be enough. Think about those you're most intimate with, and think about why you feel that way. Communication and intimacy go hand-in-hand, and this is something I have really always known, but it just took 45 minutes of answering questions with my boyfriend to remind me. And if it takes you just 36 questions to remember how important one of life’s most precious gifts is, how could you not try it?
Via www.nytimes.com, here’s the questions! Grab someone and change you're perception!
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are living now? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
