A special shoutout has to go to TFM and their most recent viral hit, letting us poor ladies know just what we're doing wrong on the campus love scene. I personally took the article to heart, and had my birth certificate changed so that I appear to be dangerously close to under-aged and stopped eating meals so my body regains the prepubescent glow all men go wild for.
Since it was so beyond nice for the gentlemen on TFM to tell us how to be perfect girlfriends, I thought it was only fair that the boys were given an equal chance to improve their appearance, attitude, and whole being for the lovely lady in their lives!
1. Be older than us.
But not too much older, and don't ever mention it because it's already kind of creepy you're dating someone younger than you.
2. Know your wines.
If you can't distinguish the difference in taste between a Chardonnay and a Pinot Grigio I'm not only sad for you, but I no longer wish to be seen with you.
3. Don't get mad when we shotgun a beer faster than you.
No, I didn't cheat, so put on your big boy chinos and man up.
4. Don't drink too much.
I have no desire to clean up your vomit.
5. Don't drink too little.
You make me feel bad when I drink more than you!
6. Don't brag that you drank the perfect amount.
No one cares about your mild night.
7. Have the confidence of Chuck Bass, the looks of Ryan Gosling, the humor of Aziz Ansari and the subtle, goofy humility of JGL.
A small price to pay for my affection.
8. Go to the gym.
You traded one six pack for another this fall, I'd like a refund, please.
9. Take us out to dinner.
Somewhere nice, and it's not my fault you're on the budget of a college student.
10. Find all of our friends dates for date functions in our sorority.
If you set Kelly up with Tom and he's a dick to her, just know it's your fault.
11. Listen to all out annoying, pointless drama with bated breath.
Eventually, you'll come to understand just why it was so rude of Amy to suggest that Deb get less edamame in her quinoa.
12. Understand the rules of "The Bachelor."
It's not fake, they're like really in love! Why won't you take me to an exotic island on a helicopter?
13. Discuss your ex-girlfriend with us in depth.
Why she was crazy, why she wasn't "chill," why she wasn't as pretty as me, etc.
14. Don't ask us about our ex-boyfriend.
The douche is dead, let's move on.15. Make sure at least one of your friends harbors a secret crush on us.
Who cares if it makes you feel threatened? It's just so flattering!
16. Don't act like you hate it when we order you a "girly" drink at the bar.
17. Be in a fraternity.
Like, duh!
18. Don't complain that you're hot at my date party.
Hey, you're the one who chose to wear a blazer, button down and khaki's to an outdoor party in May, not me.
19. Dress appropriately for my date party.
I will refuse to acknowledge your presence if you are wearing anything other than a blazer, button down and khaki's.
20. Shave.
You look homeless, please do everyone a favor and shave off the patchy beard you're trying to grow.
21. Don't complain about your Sunday morning hangovers.
Hello? Also a bit hungover, over here. Why don't you go by me some gatorade?
22. Understand how important the Kardashians are to our daily existence.
They're just like, a real family, you know?
23. Don't tell us how hot you think any of the Kardashians are.
If we're shutting up about Luke Bryan, you're shutting up about them.
24. If you ever think about asking us for a threesome...
consider whether or not you want to spend the rest of the semester with only your hand for company.
25. Have a hot brother.
Nothing makes a guy work harder than the internal fear that his girlfriend is going to leave him for his brother.
26. Treat our friends with the same respect you treat us.
27. Don't ever tell us you've hooked up with someone in our sorority.
As far as I'm concerned, you never even met another girl.
28. Keeping our "downstairs tidy" is a road that definitely goes both ways.
29. Keep the body spray to a minimum.
You're not in middle school anymore, I don't need smell you before I see you.
30. Keep the body odor to a minimum.
That being said, please try not to smell like a middle school boy after gym class.
31. The price of a condom vs. the price of Plan B.
Just wear a condom.
32. We will never be Kate Upton.
And if you're not Channing Tatum, why should we be?
33. Before you do or say anything, ask yourself, "Would a douche bag do that?"
(See Spencer Pratt.)
34. Be a decent human being.
Do crazy, nice, over the top stuff like text us back, say hi when you see us around campus, treat us with respect around your friends, you know, chivalry.
35. Just, be Ryan Gosling...
or Channing Tatum, or Liam Hemsworth -- we're not picky!
