It's flu season -- the glorious season when germs spread like wildfire, and no one is safe. No matter how much you wash your hands, avoid touching your face or douse yourself with holy water to hope by the grace of God you don't get sick, it is inevitable. You will get sick. Your best friend will get sick. Your mom will get sick. Everyone will get sick.
You may find yourself having some epiphanies and seriously questioning your life while sick. You may find yourself having some of these thoughts:
1. I don't remember what it feels like to breathe out of both nostrils.
2. Do I really need to go to class? I think I really don't need to go to class.
3. Wow, my voice sounds so deep and sexy.
4. Why is cold medicine so expensive?!
5. My throat is on fire.
6. Why is my throat so raw? Seriously, did I drink a whole bottle of Tabasco?
7. I am chain smoking these cough drops. Chain cough-dropping. Chain drops.
8. *Lying in bed* Do I really pay $1300 a credit hour?
9. Breathing through my nose is not possible but breathing through my mouth dries out my throat. Plus, I can't mouth breathe and chain drop at the same time. Guess I'll just suffocate!
10. My nose is so raw. Why are Puffs with lotion so expensive?!
11. MAY THE GODS RAIN SUDAFED DOWN UPON ME.
12. I can't take this medicine on an empty stomach.
13. WHY DID I TAKE THAT MEDICINE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH?
14. I can't hear anything.
15. There is so much pressure in my head. I don't remember swimming to the bottom of a 14ft pool??
16. I am so cold but I am so hot. I am a walking enigma.
17. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
18. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I was in the womb.
19. Do cough drops have to taste this bad? Like, is that a necessity? Is it absolutely vital to the recipe that they do not taste good?
20. I have already drunk twice my weight in water. How is my throat still sore? And dry? Explain.
21. I can't continue to hold in this cough, but I really don't want to draw attention to myself. Do I suffer or do I suffer?
22. How is my body producing this much snot? Doesn't it have anything better to do?
23. No, I'm not crying, I swear, I just have the sniffles.
24. Yes, I'm aware that my eyes are watery. Again, not crying.
25. Yes, my eyes are red. No, I'm not high.
26. If I keep sneezing, my heart will stop altogether.
27. My whole body aches.
28. My voice isn't sexy anymore. It's gone. It is completely gone.
29. WHO DID THIS TO ME?
30. I have fully accepted that the rest of my life will be spent in this bed right here.
31. Whiskey will open up my sinuses, right?
32. I need to Lysol everything. EVERYTHING.
33. Can I overdose on Vitamin C?
34. I'm on like 5 different medications right now. Nobody talk to me because you will not receive any sort of coherent response.
35. What was life like when I was healthy?
Don't take your good health for granted. Enjoy having full use of both nostrils while it lasts!
