Imagine this: 26 men, all vying for the attention of one woman. Sound ridiculous? That's because it is. Welcome to the premise of "The Bachelorette." If you had told me a couple of years ago that I would be an avid watcher of this television show, then I would have rolled my eyes in shame. Sure enough though, that's exactly what has happened.
One Monday night, one dreaded Monday night, I decided to give this show a shot. I decided that if I was going to actively critique it, then I had to be an informed individual. Boy, was that a mistake. Since that night, I have watched this show faithfully and it has in fact made Mondays a little brighter for me. With that said, I still disagree with every aspect of this show. How can you be OK with dating 26 people at the same time? How can you expect to get to know someone in a matter of two months well enough to be engaged to them? While you're dating 26 guys? Nothing about this show makes sense and yet, every Monday, you will find me tossing popcorn into my mouth with my eyes glued to the screen. And as someone with a love-hate relationship with this show, I have come to notice the same resounding thoughts echoing through my head, every single episode.
1. "Does Chris Harrison actually get paid to do this? A fish could do his job. I could do his job."
2. "Really, ABC? This is how you chose to define this poor human being on national television? That's just spiteful."
3. "Girl, if you send this guy home, then I'm going to quit watching this show and make it my life mission to find him."
4. "But you know what, if he goes home, then he's probably going to be the next Bachelor, so it's all good."
5. "To be honest, I would go on this show just so I could travel for free."
6. "OK, wow. That's actually really cute."
7. "Do these guys quit their jobs for this? How dumb. Or maybe, it's sweet. No, it's definitely crazy."
8. "I am not feeling these helicopter dates. There's a reason why we can't fly. How dare you try to defy the natural laws of life. "
9. "I wonder if she gets to keep all of those gowns after the show ends..."
10. "Of course, this is the best day of your life. This would be the best day of my life too if I was watching the sunset in Argentina too."
11. "Wait a minute, how is this actually romantic?" (Does anyone else hear this poor horse crying to be saved? Somebody, please help him.)
12. "How can you say you love someone that you've literally been on two dates with?"
13. "There's just no way this is going to work. You can't possibly marry someone after three dates with them."
14. "I really hope they end up happily married."
15. "Why? Why did you do that? I actually really liked you."
16. "He did not just do that."
17. "I'm pretty sure this guy is just speaking just because he likes the sound of his own voice."
18. "Who's done you so wrong that you're on national television trying to find someone to spend the rest of your life with?"
(Oh, yeah.)
19. "How tragic. As much as I've waited patiently for you to be sent home, I really hope you find somebody to love."
20. "Who is this guy and how did he end up in the final four? I've literally never seen him before." (For the longest time, I actually thought Chase and Derek were the same person. Imagine my surprise during their two on one.)
21. "Ah, yes. Physical competition: a true indicator of a man's love for you."
22. "You gave him the rose?"
23. "And I repeat, just spiteful."
24. "Another private concert by a band nobody has heard of? Literally, who are you?"
25. "Can you tame your ego please? Thank you."
26. "Whoops, there it is. Called it. Something felt off about this guy from the get go."
27. "How awkward would it be if she offered a guy a rose and he was like 'nah.'"
28. "Girl, don't do it. Don't you dare cry. Don't you dare let those tears escape because I am not ready to cry with you right now."
29. "Wait though, how does her after crying session face look like my prom face?"
30. "ABC, don't you dare end this episode here. Don't do it. I will fight you."
31. "And $100 says this preview for next is a thousand times more dramatic than it actually will be."
32. "What a waste of my two hours."
33. "How am I going to get through another week until the next episode?"
