According to 538.com, Hillary Clinton has a 68.5% chance to win the White House. Assuming that happens, I took the liberty of cooking up a few possible reactions for Donald Trump to peruse and allocate for his own use either Tuesday night, early Wednesday morning, or really any time after he becomes irrelevant.
1. Self Immolation
Now I know what you’re thinking. In the wake of Donald Trump losing, wouldn’t he just regroup and run again in four years? No way. Trump is a showman and wants nothing more than to be seen on millions of T.V. screens and to go down in history. What better method to ensure that for perpetuity than lighting himself on fire? Also, if he chooses to do so in front of Hillary Clinton’s Brooklyn Headquarters it has the added bonus that the Secret Service might view it as an assassination attempt which will certainly make him go down in history.
A less extreme version of this plan would be to stand in front of the Central Park Fountain and auction off the chance to light his hilariously disheveled hair on fire to raise money to pay his pollsters.
2. Field of Dreams
Just as Kevin Costner was directed by God to build a baseball field, Donald Trump believes he was called by God to build a wall on our southern border. What would be a more fitting end to Donald Trump’s narrative that only he can save America than by him moving to Southern Texas and building the wall, brick by brick, by himself, with only himself to depend on.
Later, after Donald Trump fails at his mission and slowly withers away, mostly due to his refusal of several groups of generous Mexicans to feed him, Mel Gibson would play him in a biopic.
3. Shyamalan Syndrome
As we all known from M. Night Shyamalan’s sky-high popularity, there is nothing America likes better than a surprise, twist ending. There would be no more shocking end to Trump’s bid for the Presidency than a succinct, contrite, concession speech that graciously applauded Hillary Clinton for a hard fought race, apologized to every demographic in the country for collectively lowering the nation’s moral standing and IQ score by at least ten points, and saying that he accepts the results and will crawl back to the lake of fire and ooze that he and Rudy Giuliani were dredged up from by Putin roughly 18-months ago.
Once again, Donald, these are just suggestions, so there is no need to pay me a consulting fee—or pretend to, and then sue me for low-quality work.
