On Friday, January 20th, I slept in, avoided television, and spent the day reading Buzzfeed articles about Michelle Obama's fantastic (magnificent, really, best you've ever seen) side-eye. Despite the big thing that was happening in Washington, I figured it was best for my sanity to pretend it wasn't happening. However, I eventually caved and watched President Trump's inauguration speech, prepared to be impressed*. What follows is a collection of my thoughts that cropped up during the speech.

*A word here which means not impressed in the slightest.

1. Surprised he didn't open up with "and President ME."

2. He's definitely thinking it.

3. "Together we will determine the course of America..." See, that's exactly what we're afraid of.

4. Yes, please continue to exalt the will of the people, since you totally won the popular vote and all.

5. "Their triumphs have not been your triumphs." But like, they have? Taking steps to address climate change? Gay marriage? Addressed the war on drugs? Reduced unemployment? Who did these benefit, if not the American people?

6. "This is your day, this is your celebration."

7. "Please clap." -Trump, probably

8. Don't you dare talk about schools, or someone is going to set a grizzly on you.

9. At the very least, his fifth grade teacher would probably appreciate his deployment of simile.

10. I'm sure they would also wish that his rhetorical skills didn't end there, but hey, what can you do.

11. The American people...the citizens of America...the people...

12. Shhh.

13. This is a drinking game waiting to happen.

14. What do you think will happen on the next episode of The Bachelor?

15. Seriously, The Bachelor is more intellectually challenging.

16. The biggest lie from Trump's mouth thus far: "I will never, ever, let you down."

17. "What have I done???" -Paul Ryan, probably.

18. Can you build me a highway to get out of here?

19. Do you think he just has a jar full of buzzwords - radical Islamic terror, borders, America — that he’s randomly pulling from?

20. That sounds like a problem from my probability homework.

21. What’s the probability Trump says something I like?

22. Does he realize he just condemned a religion and claimed there was no room for prejudice in like, one breath?

23. This speech would be a very good rebuttal statement to everything he’s said on the campaign trail.

24. “You will never be ignored again” -Trump, and some guy on Tinder who won’t text you back.

25. Me too, Michelle. Me too.

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