Here's a little shout out to anyone who has ever been a lifeguard. I'm about to begin my sixth summer as a lifeguard at a state park located on Seneca lake. Sitting in a chair staring at people swimming for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week may drive some insane. Therefore, I've spent more time than I'd like to admit reflecting on some of the questions/comments that have been thrown my way. So here are 25 ridiculous things that my coworkers and I are asked daily and the responses we have in our heads. We obviously keep it professional when we really respond to patrons:
1. What's the water temperature?
We usually make it up.
2. Why is there seaweed?
It's a lake...
3. Have you ever saved anybody?
Chill. That's definitely happened but not needed to be discussed.
4. Do you even know CPR?
Nope. I'm not a CPR, AED, waterfront, state-certified lifeguard...
5. Can I do a front flip?
The rules say only diving or jumping. So...no.
6. Can I use your megaphone?
No!
7. Can you blow your whistle to show me it works?
Probably not.
8. Can I take your kayak?
No!
9. If I pretend to drown will you save me?
No, I'll throw you out.
10. What's mouth to mouth really like?
We use a mask, actually.
11. Do you have a significant other?
How is this relevant to my job?
12. Can I bring my dog in the water?
Nope, sorry. There's a designated swimming area for dogs.
13. What time does the beach close?
What does the sign say?
14. Do I really have to wait a half hour after I eat?
Do whatever makes you happy.
15. Why can't I have my bike on the beach?
Because you'll get about two feet, almost fall, get off and start to walk it. Just keep it off the sand.
16. There's a dead fish!
Never seen one of those, wow!
17. Have you ever found a dead body?
Really?
18. Is the raft open?
Only if there's four guards working buddy.
19. How old are you?
Old enough.
20. Why do I have to stay inside the swim area?
We can legally only guard up to 50 yards per person.
21. That was not thunder. You're lying.
Yes it was, and thunder in the area means swimming area is closed for up to 30 minutes.
22. Why can't we use floaties? What's a pfd?
A personal flotation device is all the state allows for swimmers to wear.
23. What happens if I swim after you leave?
I won't be here, but park police will be doing rounds.
24. There's a snake!
Water snake, it's more scared of you than you are of it.
25. What time is it?
Check the sun, it'll tell you.
All of these comments can be taken with a grain of salt. To anyone who has ever been a lifeguard, you understand the crazy things that people ask, or the countless times you are asked the same thing. Here's to another summer, lifeguards!
