We've made a huge mistake as a society. We've allowed a series of Vines in which one kid says ,"Damn Daniel," to his friends go viral. We're better than this!
I'm clearly irked by this unexplainable phenomenon, so much so that I literally compiled a list of 25 things I find funnier than the insipid Vine.
1. Knock-knock jokes.
Remember these gems from your childhood? Remember how routinely unfunny they were? Well, they're still better than "Damn Daniel."
2. Dane Cook
The "edgy" comedian was the man when I was in middle school. But now he's just the man whom I try to never hear speak.
3. Jokes on popsicles.
Q: What did the cheerleader drink before the game?
A: Root Beer
4. Clownfish
Don't let their name fool you; Clownfish are not comedians. But I'd still rather listen to Marlin stumble over jokes than watch "Damn Daniel."
5. The Republican debates
The last one was chaos, but it was also can't-miss TV. Again, I found something that is not supposed to be comical funnier than the vine.
6. Start-of-the-year jokes
We all have that one friend who, on Jan. 1, says, "I haven't showered since last year!"
7. Pitbull Songs
"Mr. Worldwide! Dale!"
8. Awkward icebreakers
Two Truths and a Lie, Where the West Wind Blows, Desert Island, that stupid one where everyone takes off their shoes, you get the picture.
9. Every teen comedy from the late 2000s
"I Love You," "Beth Cooper," "Drillbit Taylor," "John Tucker Must Die," "Freaky Friday." I would choose to watch all of these videos before I watched that Vine again. But I refuse to watch "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties" again. That's where I draw the line.
10. Facebook statuses from middle school
C'mon, don't act like you're too cool to remember.
"*Insert name* is bored." "*Insert name* is text." "*Insert name* is tired."
11. Meek Mill's current rap career
R.I.P., Meek.
12. The 2008 Detroit Lions
For those of you who don't know, the '08 Lions squad finished an NFL-worst 0-16. The hysterically ironic thing about it is the team went undefeated in the pre-season!
13. Sarah Silverman
I really dislike Silverman. Maybe it's because of her bad jokes, but I like to think it's because she was Ned Schneebly's controlling girlfriend in School of Rock.
14. Camouflage jokes
I actually love using these jokes. It's great when someone's wearing a camo shirt and you hit 'em with the "put a shirt on."
15. John Cena Vines
Oh, how I love the John Cena vines. It deeply saddens me that one day I'll be too mature to find these amusing. Thankfully, that day doesn't seem to be on the horizon anytime soon.
16. New Adam Sandler movies
Remember "Happy Gilmore," "Billy Madison" and "Big Daddy?" Those days are gone, and we're now stuck with terrible flicks like "Jack and Jill," "That's My Boy" and "Blended."
"Click" was okay, though.
18. Teachers who are unnecessarily difficult about letting you pee
Student: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "I don't know. Can you?"
Just let me pee, bro.
19. Awful puns
Truth be told, I love puns. However, if I didn't, I feel like I would still find more comedic value in them than in "Damn Daniel."
20. Mike "The Situation" at the roast of Donald Trump
Sheesh... if you don't remember this atrocity and feel like getting terrible second-hand shame, YouTube "The Situation Trump Roast." You know what, I'll save you the trouble.
21. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
There's a reason this movie is the butt of a lot of jokes. Yet, it's still better than that dumb vine. And if you were curious, yes, I did actually see this movie. Like, I spent real, physical money to see "Paul Blart: Mall Cop."
I almost get the feeling I would've been better off just lighting my money on fire.
22. The worst episode of "The Simpsons"
Think about what I'm saying for a minute: "The Simpsons" has been on TV since 1989, so the series has certainly had some bad episodes. With that being said, I'm still prepared to say the absolute worst one is funnier than "Damn Daniel."
I haven't seen every episode because I pretend to have a life, but WhatCulture has a list of the 10 worst, so that's somewhere to start.
23. The Soulja Boy Dance
I know what you're thinking: "What? That's not funny!" And you're right. In and of itself, the dance is not funny. But it gets a whole lot funnier when you remember we all used to congregate into big groups and do these at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.
24. 24
You know what's funnier than that vine? 24. You know what's funnier than 24...?
25. Toby Flenderson
That's right. Even Toby freaking Flenderson, AKA a thief of joy, is funnier, more interesting, compelling and profound than the stupid "Damn Daniel" Vine.
