As an aspiring writer, I have always found that getting to know the writer behind the writing makes reading their work much more meaningful. The ability to understand their perspective and get a glimpse into that writer's story enables me to hear their inner voice that much clearer. So, I’m using this platform as an opportunity not only for you to get to know me better, but to also raise awareness about something extremely important to me: mental health.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety since the eleventh grade. Now, you can imagine that with weekly therapy sessions- on top of concerned parents and friends- came a lot of questions about my depression. That being said, the one question I’ve become somewhat immune to is “Why are you depressed?"

When I would first get asked this, I used to genuinely try to figure out why I was depressed, as if something tangible was the source, or perhaps I deserved it for some reason. Finally, after endlessly searching for the root of my problems, I realized there doesn’t always have to be a reason to be depressed. I don’t know why I’m depressed, I just am. Simple as that.

For me, the only way I can describe depression is a feeling of emptiness and heaviness at the same time. It’s almost like there is a void inside, something I want to fill, but can’t seem to find anything to fill it. The heaviness feels like a weight pushing down on me that slows every movement. In high school, there were days when I would feel so lethargic, unmotivated, almost motionless, that I had no choice but to cancel every plan I had made because the thought of getting out of bed, let alone talking to people sounded impossible.

If you know me well, I think it’s safe to say the words “outgoing” and “quirky” describe me pretttt-y pretttt-y well. This character association becomes problematic when I try to explain my mental health to others. Far too often people react with “but you don’t seem depressed” or “you look like you’re having the time of your life” which yes, both are true. But just because I don’t walk around with a sign saying “I’m depressed!” or a miserable expression on my face doesn’t mean that inside I feel 100%.

On social media, you would never know that I struggle with mental health because through social media you can be whoever you want to be. My online presence conveys whatever I want others to perceive me as. I am not someone who prefers to project my moments of sadness, but rather I internalize it.

I have lost friendships because at times I have closed myself off so much, unable to let anyone into my bubble of darkness. I have pushed my family away at times, closing the door to my room and telling them I was fine because lying about how I truly felt was easier than having to explain what I couldn’t even put into words myself.

Now, at twenty years old, I have come a long way from where I was junior year of high school. I still do have ways to go, but I have accepted the fact that yes, I struggle with depression and anxiety, but that is okay. What is “mental health”? Quite frankly, I have no idea. There is no person (or at least I have yet to find one) who feels absolutely incredible every single day of their life. I mean seriously, everyone has their sh*t.

While everyone strives for mental health and stability, the whole concept exasperates the marginalization of those who don’t fit this mold of “healthy.” Just because I struggle with depression does not mean I am “mentally ill.” Far too often those battling mental illness are viewed as crazy, unstable, or dangerous. Quite frankly, I don’t identify with any of those labels.

The status of my mental health does not solely define who I am as a person. Rather, it is just a part of me, just as everyone is made up of different backgrounds and stories.

Now that I have laid my cards on the table and hopefully provided some insight on what it feels like to battle with my well-being, I would like to thank everyone who has been by my side through every high and low.

To my friends (you know who you are), I truly don’t know where I would be without you. Thank you for sitting with me in my room even in moments of silence because you knew I just needed someone’s presence. To my family, thank you for your patience and for being a safety blanket at all times and for continuously giving me the support I need.

For those I know, and even those I do not, I hope you know that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling. But just know, whatever you are feeling is okay. Forget the stigmas, forget the labels, instead focus on how you feel and take it day-by-day.

There are some days you’ll feel great, others when you’ll feel like trash, but no matter what you are feeling remember there is always someone out there who can relate or deeply wants to better understand and learn. You are never alone. As my best friend Keek would put it, “it’s a bad day, not a bad life.”