Author’s Edit: This article is a joke. I have lived in Albert Lea my entire life and have had many wonderful memories there. I chose to write a satirical piece about my hometown hoping to make a few of my friends laugh. I had no intention of spreading hate about Albert Lea or offending anyone.
Albert Lea, Minnesota is a small town of 18,000 people. If you're one of the 18,000 who calls this place your hometown, you'll probably be able to relate.
1. No one knows where it is, so you just say "It's by Iowa."
The worst thing that happens during syllabus week is when the professors ask everyone to go around and say where they're from. No one has ever heard of Albert Lea, even though it's at the intersection of two major interstates.
2. Once spring time comes around, everyone is "clipping the lake."
There isn't much to do in Albert Lea, so as soon as the weather is nice everyone rolls their windows down and drives around the lake once or twice...or twenty times.
3. You secretly want to dress the Fountain Lake mermaid.
Nothing says rebellion like climbing onto the mermaid's rock in Fountain Lake and snapping a picture. Bonus points if you actually manage to get her dressed without getting caught!
4. All of the nearby schools will get snow days, but not Albert Lea!
If it snows overnight, Albert Lea students will still be expected to be at school bright and early the next morning even though all the other nearby schools have gotten the day off.
5. If you want to go out to eat, you don't have many options.
Applebee's, Plaza, Perkins, Jake's, Crescendo's (but let's be real, no one can afford Crescendo's) or one of the three McDonalds in our tiny town are just about your only options. Hopefully one of them sounds good, otherwise, you're out of luck.
6. The only places open late are Perkins, Hy-Vee, and Walmart.
Make sure you don't go to Walmart alone at night—you might get sold into sex trafficking. The only people out and about past 9 o'clock p.m. in Albert Lea are missing half of their teeth.
7. Nothing new stays in business for longer than a year.
Remember that time we had a Starbucks? Lol me neither. It was gone in the blink of an eye. Many other stores have met a similar end.
8. You're in the "Land of 10,000 Lakes," but it's unsafe to swim in any of the ones in AL.
We might have the nastiest lake in southern MN. Our lake water is thick, green, and smells like death. Enter at your own risk.
9. If there's a new scandal, you'll know all the details within 24 hours.
Everyone remembers the middle school scandal when a certain (married) teacher had an affair with another (married) teacher...or the teacher with a rumored history of prostitution.
10. Everyone knows everyone, so good luck keeping anything a secret.
There's not much to talk about in AL, but you've got to be careful what you say to someone. They're probably related to the person you're gossiping about.
11. The only exciting thing that happens in AL is the overpriced county fair.
Whoever decided these were the "best six days of summer" was wrong. We're one of the only fairs in southern MN that isn't free, and once you get in you can walk the entirety of the fair within 15 minutes.
12. You have at least one friend whose parents work at the hospital.
About the only place that is consistently hiring in Albert Lea is the Mayo Clinic.
13. Instead of geotagging the city "Albert Lea," everyone calls it "The Dirty."
I don't know how this nickname came about, but I'd say it's pretty accurate. It might be because the underclassmen have a reputation for not showering.
14. Most of the underage parties happen out in the middle of nowhere.
Nothing says "Albert Lea" like shotgunning a beer in someone's tin shed and then puking in their porta potty.
15. Northbridge Mall has, like, four stores.
Northbridge Mall used to be poppin' (remember when it had a Claire's?) but now it's a ghost town. Most of the shops are just empty rooms with stained carpet.
16. You can't even count the number of pregnant teens.
The Albert Lea Sex Education system is pretty bad (sorry Ms. Wayne, you know I love you.) As a result, most of the pregnant women in AL are under 18.
17. The only two things Albert Lea has a lot of are drive-thrus and hotels.
I'd much rather have a decent place to go buy a pair of jeans, thanks.
18. If you want to dress like you're from Albert Lea, buy a baggy sweatshirt and an infinity scarf—or, if you're a guy, get a pair of cowboy boots.
With a sweatshirt, scarf, and a pair of Birks, you're "scrubbing" like a true Albert Lean. As far as the cowboy boots go, lots of the students in AL are the children of farmers, and you can tell.
19. The only famous person to come out of Albert Lea is Marion Ross, and she isn't even that famous.
The only reason I know who she is is because she has an entire theater named after her. #SorryNotSorry
20. You can't wait to leave.
I don't know a single person my age who wants to stay in Albert Lea forever. Even though Albert Lea isn't the place I want to settle down, it will always be my (perfectly flawed) hometown.
