It's almost Halloween, and if you're an American not living under a rock, you know what that means... Christmas is coming. If you've walked around any store, you have seen the red and green vomit that is trying so hard to overtake the fall in preparation for the apparent "happiest" season of the year. My roommates have already discussed decorating our apartment in the next few weeks, and last week the first Christmas song was sang in chapel at my college. If you're anything like me, this infuriates you more than most things in life. If you're only slightly annoyed by this, here are some reasons that you need to cross over to the dark side and embrace the Grinch or Scrooge within you.
1. Santa Claus is the subject of nightmares
At any other time, a man who watches you while you sleep and comes down your chimney without your permission would be considered a criminal, but at Christmas time, it is celebrated. That's terrifying to me, especially after being required to sit on his lap at the mall for years.
2. Unnecessary snowman obsession
Snowmen do not come alive and march around the city with children nor do they come alive in order to save you from your sister with ice powers that froze the city. They often end up looking like dirty piles of sludge after spending excruciating hours with frozen fingers. Please don't ask me to build one, especially in song form.
3. Ugly Christmas sweaters are cringe worthy
Why anyone would willingly place synthetic fibers with lights and gaudy tinsel on their body to attend a party is beyond me.
4. Christmas music is nauseating
Some say Christmas season officially starts on November 1st. For me, November 1st is the time when I officially turn off the public radio and listen solely to Spotify to avoid the jingle bells and the little Saint Nicks and the hippopotamuses that everyone else is so willing to sing along with.
5. Empty wallets
The $3.19 trillion dollar Christmas industry is enough evidence to state that we spend way too much money on one day of the year.
6. God Rest Ye Merry Capitalists
From Black Friday to Cyber Monday to last minute Christmas Eve shopping, the retail industry has seemed to capitalize on your need to purchase things, culminating in major sales that often cause you to buy more than you ever planned on. I'm all about the spirit of giving, but does that require a spirit of incessant spending and impending greed as well?
7. Flannel torture
Let's face the facts, nothing good happens when all of your family is forced to wear matching flannel pajama pants or awful sweaters for the sake of a Christmas picture.
8. Envelopes of sadness
Nothing like realizing how many of your family and friends you haven't talked to in the past year than going through your address book to send Christmas cards. Who doesn't want to receive a cheesy photo with lyrics to a Christmas song that you've heard 83 million times in the past week with a letter of everything that a family has done for the past year from your third cousin that you didn't even knew existed?
9. The elf life isn't for everyone
Through all of the commercialization of the holiday, gift giving becomes mundane and full of hassle. You have to make your way through the crowds at a mall filled with Santa-sitting children just to purchase something that may or may not be re-gifted next year. By the time you give the gift, you're so exhausted that you barely notice their reaction.
10. It's the thought that counts?
Everyone knows the rule: if someone gives you a gift, you are expected to give one in return. Although people claim that the spirit of giving is most important, if I were to give you a bucket of old socks or a printed out picture of a zebra that I found in the back of my closet, I would be judged and the recipient would be upset that I don't value their relationship more highly.
11. Premature Christmas Decorations = Death
I went to Hobby Lobby in July and there were Christmas trees next to the multitude of patriotic décor. I had to leave the store to avoid a rampage.
12. The day you dread all year long
Although this event may be filled with childhood memories and fun times of laughing with family, carrying box after box from storage just to find that you don't have enough hooks to hang all of the ornaments is exhausting. Not to mention fighting the elements and your sense of gravity when hanging Christmas lights from the roof in order to impress all of the passersby.
13. Tangled ball of death
Speaking of Christmas lights, just no.
14. Inflatable demons
While your lights may finally be untangled and hung to perfection, large plastic characters blowing in the wind outside of every house on the street are unnecessary and very tacky. The world only needs so many blow-up reindeer.
15. What goes up, must come down.
After the torture of putting up the decorations far too early, they must come down. And although this is often a happy time in which your house gets put back to normal, void of evergreen and spray snow, the act of carefully wrapping each ceramic angel that your great-grandmother owned with newspaper before lugging the green and red storage containers downstairs for another year is a time where you dread your existence.
16. Christmas cheer isn't an automatic reaction
As society thinks being a Christmas lover is as natural as breathing, it is not unusual that Christmas will be forced down your throat on the daily in December.
17. Jolly Judgement
Along with the societal expectation to love Christmas, comes a sense of surprise when I tell you that I don't enjoy this time of year. Your judgement doesn't make me want to like Christmas any more. Christmas cheer is immediately met with my disapproval and a gesture for the elf-like human to exit my presence--sometimes extreme measures have to be taken
18. Party Pooper
Sometimes it's easier to just suck it up and pretend to be a Christmas lover instead of facing the wrath of Santa enthusiasts. But at the end of a long Christmas party, you realize that not all who eat the fruitcake end up in the Christmas spirit.
19. You are in the minority
It may seem like a lonely place being in hatred mode come December as it seems like everyone around you is full of good cheer but never fear. Although the Grinches are few, we are passionate. Join us.
20. Holiday Favorite
Despite how hard this holiday may be for you and how much people hate you for hating Christmas, the Grinch will always be a staple of Christmas time. Don't forget that even the Grinch found the joy of Christmas eventually (after the sabotage, of course).
