I grew up in Southern Chester County, Pennsylvania. That means I kind of like the smell of manure fertilizer, my bus stop was right in front of my house, and that getting stuck behind an Amish buggy was a legitimate excuse for being late to school or work. It also means that I've been to my fair share of farmers' markets, and if you grew up anywhere where it takes at least 45 minutes to get to the nearest mall, then you probably have too. Here's a by-no-means-comprehensive list of the types of people you see at a farmers' market:
1. The Wannabe Farmer
This guy or gal either has a riding mower with over an acre of land and/or a mason jar herb garden on their windowsill. They'll chat up the farmers (who have been in the family business for generations, by the way) for way too long about landscaping or potting soil.
2. The Organic-Crazed Parent Who Makes Their Own Baby Food
"My child refuses to eat anything but organic." Yeah, I'm sure that's the case. They'd be all about that corn syrup just like every other kid if they had the chance.
3. The Person Who Can't Eat nuts-eggs-gluten-dairy-or-anything-else-delicious
Can't? Or won't?
4. The Bourgeoisie Would-Be Philanthropist
There's always one businessperson, local mayor, politician, or doctor out with their monthly group to support the local economy instead of Whole Foods for the afternoon.
5. The I-Just-Stopped-in-After-My-Jogger
Photo via Instagram @rebekahletch
This person may or may not make a scene of stretching, breathing heavily, and/or drinking lots of water. Will most likely talk loudly about their jogging route and kale smoothies.
6. The Teenage Vendor Who Got Sucked Into Her Parents' Business Endeavors
The kid is probably not quite old enough to get a legitimate job, and their parents are definitely paying them under the table. Could also be used as punishment for teenage wrongdoings.
7. The Person Inching Away from the Guy Obsessed with His Earthworms
The one organic farmer who talks to anyone who will listen about the volume and quality of his earthworms' feces. The victim will nod and smile politely until they can excuse themselves, and then they will proceed to the opposite corner of the market.
8. The HUGE Family
Birth control, people. Children are a joy, and there are thousands right here in the Philadelphia area who need loving homes. Seriously consider adoption, and bring some diversity into your family! (Alternatively, Planned Parenthood works with all types of health insurance, including no insurance, to provide affordable birth control and protection as well as health screenings.)
9. The Old Lady Who Makes the Best Damn Cookies You Ever Had
Wipe the drool off of your keyboard, you slob.
10. The One Lanky Farmer Who Only Sells Celery
Seriously, is there that much of a demand?
11. The Herbalist Who Thinks He's a Doctor
Photo via Instagram @jettemusic
He can cure anything from hangovers to leprosy with a hot cup of foul-tasting tea.
12. The Dad with a Double Stroller Holding Up the Line at the Meat Counter
In the words of Tom Haverford, "Treat yo' self."
13. The College Student Who Gets a Meal's Worth of Calories from Free Samples
We've all seen that negative checking balance and gotten creative. No shame. Plus, if they didn't want us to take them, why would they keep handing them out?
14. The Person with a Hyperactive Dog
There's always someone who assumes their dog is welcome anywhere outdoors. If your dog is a spaz (like mine is) leave her at home. It's likely that someone at the market is selling homemade doggie treats too, so pick up a few to make it up to her!
15. The Twenty-Something Who Thinks They'll Strike it Big with their Ukulele
No caption necessary. You know this person by name. You went to the same liberal arts college.
16. The Lady with a Fanny Pack and a Visor
I understand the usefulness of having a fanny pack, especially since women's pants pockets are jokes. However, it might be time to switch out the neon teal for something more subtle.
17. The Little Kid Who Steals Everything
Here's the thing about babies: they (like animals) understand their world through their mouths, and for the first part of their lives they have a grabbing reflex. When tables are low enough it's hard not to expect the inevitable.
18. The 12-Year-Old Amish Kid Who's Better Than You at Math
You know you couldn't calculate the change for that $20 even if you had a calculator.
19. The Old Man Wearing Suspenders with His Jeans and White New Balances
Or a young man with suspenders belonging to 26-year-old hipster parents. Either way, you'll see some suspenders at the market guaranteed.
Image via Instagram @picture.landon
20. The (White) Vegan Art Student with One Dreadlock Dyed Purple
Photo via Instagram @death_metal_chick
She might be sketching, visualizing an art installation, doing a performance piece where she pretends to be a pigeon for a day and steals peoples french fries. Who knows?
And then there's you. Having a homemade donut and the best apple cider on the planet. Possibly reading the newspaper or snapping Instagram pics. Mostly, though, you're observing the beauty of everyone around you being brought together by some great food and joyful craftsmen.
