In the current political climate, it's tough to tell who exactly would be the best president of the United States. While I'm still proselytizing for my man Vermin, I thought I'd at least pick out some of my favorite characters who I think might serve the nation better than Donald Trump.
1. The Iron Giant ("The Iron Giant")
Since someone nominated the man who wants to "bomb the shit out of ISIS" for a Nobel Peace Prize, we might as well throw in another being who turned to peace. Plus, since Vin Diesel voiced the big metal dude, we'd technically have our first Latino president
2. Godzilla ("Godzilla vs. Hedorah" A.K.A. "Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster")
Sure, good ol' greenie has wrecked some cities in her time, but in this movie, she's just another warrior out for environmental justice. Since she's technically Tokyo's cultural ambassador, the citizenship thing may be a sticky wicket. But nothing can stand in the way of a lizard with a plan
3. Sam White ("Dear White People")
She's a media-savvy college kid who actively fights racism in all forms (she even called out Tarantino!) and knows how to subvert bureaucratic hoops (see the end of the movie). Sam may be exactly what our country needs right now, count me in.
4. Jack Ryan ("Patriot Games")
Yes, his foreign policy is imperialistic, right wing, and generally pro-military (which makes him a lot like Mr. Trump). But Ryan also found the Red October and is an expert diplomat, so it kind of balances out?
5. Casper McFadden ("Casper the Friendly Ghost")
Many have accused Trump of being inhuman because of his harsh stances on people who aren't white guys with a bunch of money. Casper's also not technically human, but he's very friendly
6. Buffy ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer")
There are plenty of vampires in Washington. I'm not talking about people who look like vampires (sorry, Uncle Joe), more people whose job seems to be get elected and betray their constituency. Maybe some supernatural a** kicking could balance the budget by January.
7. Hannibal Lecter ("Silence of the Lambs")
OK, maybe this is going too far. But he
is was an extremely qualified psychologist, and everyone has skeletons in their closet. Mr. Lecter's skeletons just happen to once have been people.
8. Audrey 2 ("Little Shop of Horrors")
So long as you're electing a ruthless consumer, might as go with the mean green mother from outer space.
9. Cyrus ("The Warriors")
The original great unifier. Just because his plan to unite the gangs of New York against the police didn't pan out doesn't mean his skills went away. I can dig it!
10. Charlie Kelly ("It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia")
Qualifications: King of the Rats.
11. The Entire Breakfast Club (Duh)
They may not have convinced Mr. Vernon that they didn't deserve detention, but the fab five made us believe that any group of people can come together in the end. Skills like that will do nothing but good on the senate floor
12. Ellen Ripley ("Alien")
The original space bada**. She went through a gauntlet (including one angry xenomorph) that made Mark Watney's trip look like a weekend jaunt to Fiji
13. Eli ("Book of Eli")
The "memorizing the entire bible" thing plays really well with the Evangelical voters (not Mr. Trump's strongest crowd), making Eli the most electable of this entire list
14. Samus Aran ("Metroid Prime")
As a bounty hunter, she's maybe the closest to an actual warrior on this list. Since she's been to a lot of planets, though, and seen a lot of history, so I bet she's against carpet bombing
15. The Stormtrooper on the Far Right ("Star Wars: Episode IV")
Yeah, he made a little mistake. But he's willing to make sure the show goes on, no matter the cost (which, in this case, may be a mild concussion.)
16. Michelangelo ("Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles")
No, he's not an arrogant leader like Leonardo, a disconnected geek like Donatello, or even a hothead like Raphael. Mikey is the everyman's turtle, and he's here for the American people
17. John Quincy Archibald ("John Q")
John Q brought us a scathing critique of the American healthcare system back in 2002. Alternatively, we can go with the guy who is for vaccines, so long as they're in lower quantities, to prevent autism.