For a long time “pretty” was all that was expected of women. Spending countless hours and dollars on hair, makeup, clothes, heavy duty machinery to be the prettiest pretties we could be. Not only was it expected, it was enforced. Everyone and everything, from teachers, friends, and parents, to books, magazines, and television was shoving down our throats this notion that we must do whatever it takes to be the best (aka prettiest) version of ourselves. This calculated submersion into the Pretty Paradigm was so artfully maneuvered that we didn’t even realize we were being suffocated. It wasn’t an asphyxiation, it was just reality. For a long time, it seemed like this was the only option.

About 5 years ago, just when I was ready to trade in my books for blush, in the hopes of gaining a sense of normalcy, I stumbled across a blog posting that rocked my little 16-year-old world. I happened upon a quote from author Erin McKean that read: “You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.” It opened my eyes to the controlling and manipulative world women are born into. After discovering the wise words of Ms. McKean, I no longer felt like pretty was the thing to be. There was a whole world of possibilities, of things I wanted to be other than mere, smear “pretty”.

I’m not saying it’s criminal to accept a compliment. If someone takes the time to point out how beautiful you are, good on them for spreading the love. I’m not saying it’s an insult to all womankind to be called pretty. What I am saying is that when I wake up in the morning, I don’t aspire to be pretty. When someone asks me what my wildest and most desperate hopes and dreams are, I don’t say “to be pretty”. When I die, I don’t want my legacy, the mark I leave on this world to be, “We’ll miss Kailah. She was a pretty girl.” I want to be remembered as vivacious, and optimistic, and remarkable, and a great many things. No more will I settle for plain old “pretty”. Settling for pretty is like choosing the dry, gross fruit cake when you’ve got a plethora of premium pies laid out in front of you. NO MORE FRUIT CAKE, LADIES. I will live up to my fullest potential and I will be that delicious apple pie, I will be that creamy pumpkin pie, I will be that scrumptious pecan pie. I will take back my identity as a woman and as a citizen of this big, wide, wonderful world. So, the next time you think “pretty” is the highest compliment you can give a woman; think again. There are a million things you can call me other than pretty but since I don’t have the time to list 1,000,000 things and you don’t have the time to read them, I’ll start with the 17 listed below. Feel free to add them to your arsenal.

1) BRILLIANT

An oldie but goodie. My love for this word originated from that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone when Professor McGonagall transfigures herself from a cat to a woman and Ron looks at her with such awe and amazement and tells her she’s “bloody brilliant”. Swap ‘pretty’ for ‘brilliant’ if you ever want to convey to someone that the very essence of their being is exceptionally dazzling. There is no known record of anyone ever tiring from hearing they are brilliant. ‘Brilliant’ is most commonly used to describe intelligence but it’s more than that. It says you have that extra special something.

2) CONFIDENT

I personally consider this one of the highest compliments someone can give me. Growing up I was the opposite of confident; the anti-confident, if you will. I second guessed everything I did, I never spoke or acted with conviction, and I constantly wished I was invisible. It took many years and countless gel pen filled journals but I am finally at a place in my life where I feel safe and secure and sexy in my own skin. I love being called confident because it makes me feel as if people recognize and appreciate how hard I have worked to be unafraid to be myself. When you see someone “feeling themselves” and it makes you smile, don’t hesitate to tell them. Bestow the Confident Compliment to show someone that you are proud of them for loving themselves in a world that’s constantly telling them why they shouldn’t.

3) CONTAGIOUS

Before you freak out or call me crazy, let me explain myself. This is not the “cough cough, douse yourself in hand sanitizer” type of contagious. This is type of contagious speaks to the energy you put into the world. Have you ever been around someone whose laugh is so full of pure joy that you have no choice but to laugh? Or have you ever seen someone with a smile so genuine and bright that you find yourself involuntarily grinning along with them? This is the type of contagious I am talking about. If you have a contagious personality that means people feed off your positivity and can’t help but have their spirits lifted when they’re around you. If you know someone who makes you happy by just being themselves, let them know how delightfully contagious they are. It’s a rare compliment that will make them feel special.

4) ELOQUENT

Being a writer and a self-proclaimed wordsmith, it always makes me feel warm and fuzzy when someone calls me eloquent. In this age of slang and memes, being well-spoken is something I take pride in. Of course, I’m not immune to those things because they are my generation’s culture. Lit, yas, and omg are still very much a part of my daily vocabulary but so are words like loquacious, zealous, and resplendent. Being complimented on my looks or personality is nice but there’s nothing like a nod to my brains that gets me feeling great. Mostly, it’s just nice to know that the countless hours I spent holed up with books instead of having a social life (she says bitterly) actually paid off somehow.

5) FEARLESS

This is not one I hear often but that’s mostly due to my debilitating fear of spiders and the dark. Being fearless is hard in this day and age. Everything is recorded and put on social media for the world to judge. When people take chances and push boundaries without fear of ridicule or persecution, it should be celebrated. If you admire someone for being fearless, tell them so. Fuel them so they can continue kicking ass and taking names.

6) FUNNY

This is easily my favorite compliment EVER. For me, this is the Meryl Streep of compliments. The Beyoncé of compliments. The best of the best. Everyone cracks a great joke every now and then but when people consider you an all-around funny person, it is a great feeling. While some people may not want the title, I will never complain about being dubbed the Funny One of my friend group. They say laughter is the best medicine and, although I’m not sure who “they” are, I completely agree. Laughing is good for the soul and if someone considers me their laughter medicine, I am forever touched.

7) GENUINE

Genuine. Authentic. Sincere. These are all words that don’t get used often enough. There are fads constantly happening all around us. Fad diets, fad clothing styles, fad makeup techniques. It’s hard not to get sucked into the whirlwind. I bet you know that one person who has always stuck to their guns and been themselves through all the temptation to conform. Not to say that change is bad, there’s just something endearing about knowing that one person who knows exactly who they are.

8) INSPIRATIONAL

This is one of those compliments that really pulls on my heartstrings. It humbles me and motivates me to do and be better whenever I am fortunate enough to be called inspirational. To know that I have affected someone’s life in a way that gives them hope is the most heartwarming thing to hear. I am an avid advocate for Body Positivity and sometimes I feel very preachy but when someone reaches out to me to tell me that I inspire them to love their bodies, there really is nothing that gives me more joy than that. We all try to live our lives in the hope that we can touch the lives of others. If someone inspires you, let them know. They love to hear it just as much as you love how much they inspire you.

9) KIND

Another oldie but goodie. I think being called kind is one of those compliments we take for granted because we expect everyone to be some degree of kind. But in a world where we have made a hobby out of making fun of people and tearing them down for their mistakes, being thought of as kind isn’t something to take for granted. When I think of kind people I think of those I can feel safe to share with my thoughts and ideas without fear of judgement. Being called kind is like Casablanca or Pride and Prejudice; a comforting classic that never goes out of style.

10) OPINIONATED

No this isn’t a typo. ‘Opinionated’ has cultivated a bad reputation over the years and is often synonymous with ‘arrogant know it all’. Being opinionated doesn’t mean you are brazen or harsh. It means you know what you believe in and you aren’t afraid to share your point of view with the world. Being called opinionated is a sign that you know who you are, which is NEVER a bad thing.

11) PASSIONATE

This is another one of those heart string tuggers. Everyone has stuff they like. I like cross stitching and I like organizing things by color. But when you are passionate about something, it sets your whole soul on fire. I am passionate about theatre and I am passionate about books. When you find that things(s) that fill your heart with immeasurable joy, you want to share it with the world. So, when someone recognizes my passion, it makes me feel like they want to share it with me.

12) POISED

Y’all this is a crazy, fast paced, intense world we live in. I don’t know about you but it feels like something new is being thrown at me every day. It takes a special kind of person to keep their grace and composure under all the pressures life has to offer us. We all have that one friend, or coworker, or family member who always seems as cool as a cucumber. I greatly admire anyone who can stay calm, cool, and collected in this bizarre world. I imagine it’s no walk in the park so if you know someone who is perma-poised, compliment them on it. Lord knows they are putting in some serious work.

13) RESILIENT

Bounce back; a great song by Big Sean but also an ability you have if you are resilient. We have all been through hardships and heartaches in our lives. So, when someone points out your resiliency they are admiring your strength. It says that they look up to the fact that you have not let your life’s struggles define who you are. Being complimented on their strength and power is something every woman should hear more often.

14) SASSY

There is an insanely thin line between being sassy and being a jerk. You should commend those who can keep themselves from straying into the jerk lane. Being sassy means you are quick witted and fun spirited. You know how to make a light-hearted joke at the expense of others without being malicious. Let’s face it, we all make fun of each other all the time but a fun and truly sassy person does it with class. Stay sassy, friends. (BECAUSE I LOVE IT)

15) TALENTED

I’m not going to lie. As a performer, I never get tired of this compliment. And I know that may sound conceited but I look at it this way: Hundreds of people come to see me perform and most just watch and then leave. When someone takes the time and energy to tell me how talented they think I am, it means more to me than they will ever know. It reassures me that I’m not crazy and that every sleepless night, every stressful day, each countless hour, is worth it. Each time I hear that I am talented I feel like I find my way in this world a little bit more. Whatever their skill is, if you admire someone’s talent, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL THEM.

16) UNAPOLOGETIC

I may have borrowed this one from Rihanna but, in some ways, that makes it even more worth sharing. For so long, women had to hide who they truly were, or at least who they wanted to be. They were judged for wanting a career more than wanting children. They were persecuted for wearing what they want. They were dragged for voicing their opinions on important social issues. I don’t live in magical unicorn happy land. I know these things still happen today. But thanks to the Third Wave of Feminism (woo!) there has been a surge of bad-ass boss women who REFUSE to alter the way they live their lives just to please others. To just be yourself with no remorse or apology is so breathtaking to witness. If you know someone blissfully unapologetic, give them the accolades they deserve.

17) UNIQUE

For a long time, I was so self-conscious of my height. As a woman, being 6’1’’ is way outside the norm and I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. That was until my mom (who is 6’3”) sat me down and said, “Kailah, you are unique. When you walk into a room, people will remember you. Embrace your differences.” To this day, it is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given. So what you have big ears that you never grew into? So what you wear two different shoes every day? So what you have freckles on every inch of your body? So what you are covered in tattoos? You are memorable and full of life. Whether you were born with it or you chose it, embrace what makes you unique. It is a beautiful thing to be.

If you made it to the end of this article, then there are no more excuses. No more excuses to settle for calling a woman 'pretty'. I’m not saying you can NEVER call a woman pretty and if you do you will be banished to the Netherworld. But there’s no excuse now for that to be the only compliment you can dream up. This list is just the beginning. I challenge you to think of 17 more. And once you’ve done that, think of 17 more. And after that, keep thinking until you have enough compliments in your bag of tricks that you don’t ever have to settle for the fruit cake of all compliments.