Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? It's always me, with my painstakingly pale skin. Summer is great for many reasons but it loses its excitement very quickly when you spend most of your days applying and reapplying sunscreen, hiding in the shade, and putting on more layers of clothing than what you wear in the winter. While old ladies may comment on your "beautiful porcelain skin," those rare compliments do not do enough to make all of the negatives of pale skin disappear.
Here are 15 annoying things that only pale people understand:
1. Spending too much money on sunscreen and aloe.
After basically buying out the sunscreen section of each convenience store, you still get burnt. Now you have to return to the store and buy triple the amount of aloe vera with the hopes that at least a little bit of the pain will subside.
2. Sunburn.
Even after lathering up in what feels like pounds of sunscreen (which also makes you look even whiter tan usually if that is possible), you still end up with painful burn in random splotches that take forever to fade.
3. Artificial tans are out of the question.
People who are at least moderately tan naturally can make a fake tan look fairly normal, but those with "ivory" or "porcelain" skin have no chance. They either end up looking like they rolled in Dorito's cheese dust or let a child color their skin with an orange marker.
4. Light colors make you look like a ghost...
Wearing white is basically out of the question considering it makes you look practically naked, and those stylish, pale pastels just make you look lighter than before.
5. But dark ones make you look gothic.
Dark clothes and pale skin make you look like you are trying to achieve a middle school scene phase, when in reality you just want to wear that trendy black top.
6. It looks like your stomach has NEVER seen light.
No matter how long you expose your stomach and thighs to sunlight, they still have a ghostly shade to them. It is so bad that you are basically radiating light from your stomach and the only way you can look at them is with sunglasses on.
7. Ever-growing amounts of freckles.
I'm not sure how or when they decide to appear, but I seriously think I return inside with one hundred more freckles than I went outside with.
8. People always compare their tans to your lack thereof.
After a friend's successful day in the sun. their automatic response is to hold their arm up to yours and compare. They know you are the pale friend, so why is it such a big accomplishment that they are darker than you as per usual?
9. There is no hiding when you blush.
Whether it is from embarrassment, shyness, or physical activity, there is no way to cover up the redness that creeps into your face. What is even worse is when someone points it out and the shade of scarlet deepens even more.
10. Your friends want to tan, but you know that is out of the question.
Even though you know it isn't a good idea, your friends still can persuade you to try to get some sun. After five minutes of looking silly as if you may actually tan, you seek refuge in the shade and get burnt in the process.
11. People ask if you have ever tried tanning.
"Tanning is easy. All you do is lay there and relax. Have you tried it?" No, I have never tried to achieve a beautiful golden-brown, coppery skin tone that makes all of the clothes in my closet look good. Why would I do that?
12. Really intense tan (or burn) lines.
13. All foundations are too dark for you.
Ivory and Porcelain are the only two shades close to your skin tone, and even those are too dark. In extreme cases, white powder may have to be used to tame the dark and mismatching tones.
14. Cloud burn.
Cloudy out? Sunburn. Raining? Sunburn. Nighttime? Sunburn. Snowing? Still probably getting sunburn.
15. "Did you wear sunscreen?"
YES. DON'T YOU SMELL IT? I PUT SPF 70 ON THREE TIMES FOR THE ONE HOUR I WAS OUTSIDE AND I STILL GOT SUNBURN. There is no way I would be able to leave the house without it, so do not ask if I put it on. I get burnt either way. Do not tell me that I am not protecting my skin when I am trying the best I can to successfully complete the painstaking task of loading my entire body with sunscreen and avoiding the sun's evil ultraviolet rays.
