We’re in a world that’s becoming increasingly difficult to comprehend, with crimes and hatred spreading at an alarming rate, but one of the only things keeping us from constant death and despair is comedy. It is an escape, important to finding solace in an otherwise terrifying world. So when a comedic genius comes along and helps people take a step back from their brutal everyday lives and chuckle, we should really stop and appreciate it. Unfortunately, this comedian has chosen to shield his or her identity from the public, but we can still laugh at all of the jokes he or she has made over the years! Don’t be afraid to crack a smile or let out a hearty chortle at these perfect jokes!
1. “It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”
This is a great joke, because it reminds us that even on our worst days—the days when our world seems to be coming to an end—there is still a silver lining to give us a sense of hope. The Earth will inevitably burn, of course, but that’s what makes this comedian one of the best!
2. "My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.”
A successful comedian not only addresses his or her “haters,” but also challenges them. And what better way to do it than brag about social media prowess?! Wonderful, simply wonderful. If only we had some way of knowing which Twitter account is behind this comedic mastermind.
3. “You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.”
Now, everyone knows that there’s more to life than being beautiful…having ownership over someone else that’s beautiful! Taken at face value, this statement looks ignorant, sexist, and demeaning, but when you realize that it’s all complete sarcasm, you can only applaud!
4. "Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure; it's not your fault."
We found this quotation on a Twitter page with the name Donald J. Trump, but we have no source indicating who originally cracked the joke. Either way, it’s hilarious, and will be passed on from generation to generation.
5. “An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud."
This one is from the same Twitter account, but the “extremely credible source” was, unfortunately, nowhere to be seen. Perhaps we’ll never know who made this incredible jest.
6. “Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.”
So relatable! I bet you’ve heard this one before, and thought to yourself, “Wow, why didn’t I come up with such an insightful and thought-provoking joke?” Well, sadly, the creator of this one remains anonymous to this day.
7. “I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
Just try to read this without smiling! Ha! Anyway, we might be starting to get some hints here. Hmm…nobody builds walls better than me…Maybe he or she was once a carpenter?
8. “All of the women on 'The Apprentice' flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”
What a gas! Oh man, this anonymous jokester really knows how to find my funny bone. Sadly, nobody ever watched "The Apprentice," so we have no way of knowing who this quotation could be attributed to.
9. “I was down there, and I watched our police and our firemen, down on 7-Eleven, down at the World Trade Center, right after it came down.”
Not everybody will laugh at this one, because it is a bit dark, but good comedians venture into previously unmarked territory, meaning national tragedies are certainly not off limits here!
10. “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose voters.”
Wow! You’ve gotta love this comedian’s confidence!
11. “Some readers may be wondering why the picture we used on the cover of this book is so angry and so mean looking. I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face.”
This quotation is from the book "Crippled America", written by Donald J. Trump, but there were no references as to who actually penned this masterpiece. I guess we’ll just have to keep laughing and try to ignore the anonymity.
12. “I’ve said if Ivanka [Trump] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
This could have been anybody joking about an incestuous relationship with Donald J. Trump’s daughter!
13. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially running for president of the United States and we are going to make our country great again!”
YES! GOLD! PURE GOLD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Wait, I don’t get it…
