If you're like me then you're back from college and sitting around doing nothing, wondering what is there possibly to do in Danville. This is a guide for those that live here or those unfortunate enough to decide to visit Danville for whatever reason they managed to justify coming here with.
Now, if you did not know, Danville is a bustling city of over 40,000 people on the NC-VA border and even home to its very own university! But the thing is, after Dan River Mills left, the place kind of fell into an economic downturn and nothing short of chain restaurants can survive here anymore. Because let's be real, the best thing to do in this town is to eat crappy chain restaurant food and you might even "treat" yourself to "the Olive Garden" (yes, people in Danville actually say 'the' before because it makes it fancier). But instead of working on your early onset of diabetes, here is a list of other "fun" things to do.
Because what could possibly be more fun than wandering around a vacant Walmart at 2 a.m. when everything else is closed? You'll inevitably end up buying some candy and playing in the children's toys section, but we're all secretly six inside, so it's OK. And yes, we did hear you knock something over when you threw the giant inflatable bouncing ball at a rack of Barbie dolls on accident. And no, the employees do not care. They don't get paid enough to deal with our crap.
The only acceptable reason to come here is that an 8-year-old relative of yours is having a birthday party and your parents insisted that you come. Full stop. No discussion.
I think that having one of these is kind of required for a place to be a city. Let's just try and ignore how the place has obviously not had any improvements since the '80s because it's legitimately the only place you can consistently take someone on a date to.
During the day, it's either filled with screaming day camp children or hordes of the elderly. But this is heavenly compared to going on Friday and Saturday nights when the haze of cigarette smoke, crappy beer smell, and yelling middle-aged men make sure you give it a wide berth.
5. Visit your high school
We remember them from when we were in high school. That guy that peaked in high school wandering the halls, visiting old teachers, and us making fun of him. And we all desperately did not want to be him when we were in high school, but sometimes you just get that bored and you need a little ego boost...
6. Sit in Starbucks
This is the closest you can get to actual college life in Danville. Why? Because there is coffee and hipsters. You can come here and talk to one of the baristas that you went to high school with or wait around for someone you know to come in and get their fix whilst also praying fervently that your ex from ninth grade doesn't come in.
7. Go to Greensboro
Let's be honest. If you actually need to go shopping for decent clothes or get above-average food, you need to go here.
8. Look at the animals in Petco
When your loneliness has hit an all-time low and your cat just doesn't love you like he used to anymore, you venture here. You wander around the aisles, stare at the caged chinchilla that has never been sold, and just reflect on your own existential trapping in the city of Danville.
9. Hang out in parking lots
K-Mart. You all know. I don't need to say anything more.
10. Sheetz at 3 a.m.
If you've actually done this, then you got guts and a death wish. This is not safe. Please don't do this.
In high school, this was the cornerstone of cool. If you got invited to the cool kids bonfire, then you were in. Because nothing screams cool like standing around in a field with a big fire and maybe sharing six beers with 20 people and watching everyone "get drunk".
12. Walk the mall
We've all done it. Thought "I'm bored. I'm gonna go to the mall." You get there and you just pace it about six times. Maybe walk into Hot Topic and think about middle school. Go in Spencer's and chuckle inwardly at the lewd clothing and dildos. But inevitably you don't buy anything and you end up leaving feeling more empty than before.
13. Mini golf
Some of you might not even know this place exists. But yes, we have a mini golf course in Danville. Is it good? No. Is it in a bad neighborhood? Yes, very. Should you go? If you want to melt in the heat and don't mind taking exact change to buy your ticket in, then go right ahead.
After reading this list, I'm sure all you Danvillians are just bubbling with pride about all the great things this city has to offer its young people for entertainment. And all you possible tourists, if this hasn't convinced you to come visit our great city, then nothing will! Hope to see you all at Walmart!