The mind of someone who suffers with an eating disorder is like a paradox wrapped up in an enigma. We realize that we are difficult to understand and deal with. We cannot help it, people are hard enough to understand as it is. This insight into our minds may shed some light on our situation. However, not all of the items will apply to everyone. It is important to communicate with your loved one and discuss what they would like you to know.

1. Eating disorders are a mental illness, the physical aspect is purely a side effect.

Think of the physical aspect as our way of asking for help with our problems. On the inside we are suffering and in pain. For various reasons we ignore the pain and try to continue on with our normal lives. Instead of dealing with the real issue, we use the eating disorder as a coping mechanism to create control, safety, and comfort. On the outside you see someone who has formed an unhealthy relationship with food, whether it is through binging, purging, or restricting, and is channeling their pain into an obsession with their body.

2. People with eating disorders often have a dual diagnosis.

According to the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA), people who suffer from eating disorders are at a higher risk to also suffer from depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and have problems with substance abuse and self-harming.

3. All eating disorders are serious

There is no such thing as not being sick enough. Eating disorders come in all different shapes and sizes. It does not matter if they are underweight, overweight, or have a healthy weight, it is still possible for them to be sick. Also, eating disorders do not discriminate against gender or nationality. Although it is most common in adolescent girls, people of any age can have or develop an eating disorder.

4. When a person is really malnourished their lifestyle is not a choice, it is an addiction.

Having an eating disorder is like having an addiction to drugs. We feel compelled to use our behaviors, because they bring us a heightened sense of pleasure. We cannot “just stop” using our behaviors, in the same way that an addict cannot just stop using. It requires professional help and a lot of time to relearn how to live a healthy lifestyle. If we say otherwise, then we are in denial about how serious our problem is.

5. We are not our eating disorders.

The eating disorder is like a parasite in our minds who is trying to take control of who we are. It may look like us and sound like us, but it is not truly us. When you are frustrated with how we are behaving, remember that this is the eating disorder making us do these awful things. We are still here and are working to regain control.

6. It is not just about the food

Because eating disorders often coexist with another mental illness, the eating disorder is our way of coping with it. For example, anxiety can feel like you have no control over anything in your world. Food can be one of the only things that we feel like we have control over, so we use that as a way of regulating ourselves in the midst of what we see as chaos. This is why healthy coping mechanisms are so important. It teaches us that our lives can be chaotic and we will have the power to manage it.

7. Every meal and snack can be a challenge

It is really difficult to eat when you have a voice in your head telling not to eat with every single bite. With each bite you do take and disobey the eating disorder, the voice gets louder and more demanding. It makes us feel extremely guilty for not listening and makes us feel compelled to act on behaviors. Eventually we will learn how to ignore these demands and listen to our bodies natural hunger cues, but even if we have been in recovery for a while it can still be hard at times. That being said…

8.You do not need to congratulate us on finishing a meal

It is really hard to know what to say to someone who is struggling, but praising them for finishing a meal is just awkward. It would be like congratulating you from walking across a room. Eating is such a mundane task that for us is often utterly terrifying. Unlike other addictions, such as alcohol, that can be avoided food is a necessary part of survival. We face our fears six times a day and yes, it is an amazing accomplishment. However, we do not want attention brought to it.

9. Dealing with our emotions is like being on a roller coaster

Part of the purpose of an eating disorder is to bottle up unwanted feelings and suppress them until they go away. This leads to not experiencing feelings of any kind. When we finally do allow ourselves to start to feel again, it can be extremely overwhelming. Dealing with emotions is hard enough as it is, but when you begin to experience the feelings that were being suppressed it becomes even more difficult.

10. The eating disorder will push you away and draw you closer to us

The eating disorder voice in our head tells us that we need to isolate ourselves from other people. It does not want you to see what is it doing to us and put a stop to it. It is almost like having a possessive boyfriend or girlfriend. Conversely, the eating disorder can also be a way of getting more attention. Sometimes we feel like you care more when we are sick and are afraid that you will not realize that we still struggle when we are healthy.

11. We do not always know how to help ourselves, so it can be difficult to tell you how you can help us

We are still trying to figure out what we need to do, we have not necessarily thought of what you can do. Also, we are often very independent people who do not like to accept help in general. However, the easiest way to help someone is to pray for them. God will hear your prayers and help us accordingly.

12. You cannot save someone, you can only love them

Please do not try to fix us. It is not your job to do this and is very frustrating. We need to make our own mistakes and take responsibility for them. You are going to see us fall flat on our faces more than once, but we will get back up. As much as you want to protect us, you will not be there to protect us forever. However, you can love us forever. When we think that we cannot do this any longer, keep believing in us. This is the most important thing that anyone can do.