Viewer discretion advised: sexual content
I've put together a list of guys I'm sure many of you have stumbled across. Most have been stories of some — let's just call them interesting — experiences from friends. If you're more of a prude, I recommend reading a different article.
1. The Talker
If I hear one more damn compliment come out of your mouth, I'm smothering you with a pillow.
2. Mr. Overaggressive
If you intend on hitting me, pulling my hair, throwing me against a wall, or choking me, a little warning or heads up is always appreciated — it's called common courtesy. *Warning, if you do not follow this rule, this is what will happen: you hit me in the face, I hit you right back.* Do not be that guy that ends up scaring the girl into celibacy.
3. Wallflower
Don't keep asking me if its good or if you're doing it right. Trust me, if you're not, I'll tell you, and if you are, you'll know.
4. The accidental virgin
I mean, kudos for acting like you knew what you were doing, but do not keep me in the dark only to hear later from a third party, "did you hear who took his virginity?" *insert eye roll emoji.*
5. The "we're dating even though it was one hook up" guy
No, I'm not your girlfriend now. No, we do not make a cuter couple than the actual couple. No, I don't need to meet your parents. Yes, I'm changing my number and blocking you from all social media.
6. Fuck Boy
You're sly and definitely a great liar. And for some reason, I'm still attracted to you even though it has been made clear the feeling was NOT mutual.
A little note to a specific boy:
I hope one day all of your girls find out they've all been with the same guy... I expect it to become a John-Tucker-Must-Die type scenario.
7. The big hopes, small realities dude
Need I say more?
8. The small hopes, big realities dude
I can't say more because I don't think more is possible.
9. Mr. Steal Your Girl
(And by girl, I mean my clothes). Okay, unless there is a magical fairy that came in while we were having sex and stole my clothes, I recommend giving them back right now. Do not give me the excuse about me having to come get them later... trust me, I have 100 more Victoria's Secret thongs where that came from. I also see the thong wall in your frat house and mine will not be added to that display.
10. Too Old
We've all been there where we think that older men have more experience. Granted that may occasionally be true, being a grandpa does not mean you can say you'll text me tomorrow then make me walk home by myself in the dark of night. Get your cane and walk me home, dammit.
11. Not Old Enough
On the other side of the spectrum, we have the child who clearly is as mature as an infant with no sense of decency... literally zero. Do you have a curfew and coloring book as well?
12. Hot Shot
Either you've had many girls tell you that you know what you're doing, or you've told that to yourself one too many times, but maybe come down from that pedestal you've created for yourself and hop back to reality. If you don't, I will be more than happy to burst that ego bubble you have been living in.
To all the men out there: maybe aim to be none of these options? On the real, it would be greatly appreciated.
