There are a lot of us out there who have divorced parents. It doesn't have to be the end of the world, and dealt with the right way it can be best for the whole family! It takes an emotional toll on many and can complicate the day to day tasks of life. I personally have figured out how to make the best out of every bump in the road. The secret is figuring out how each problem can actually turn into something positive. Anyway, here are 11 things you deal with if you have divorced parents:
1. Where do you celebrate Christmas?
How do you actually decide where to go - or where to go first? I always had a tradition with my sister to stay at our mom's Christmas Eve and then visit our dad Christmas day in the afternoon. How do you choose what's fair though? Whatever you choose will just have to work.
2. Who do you see for birthdays?
Will one parent be offended if you get your birthday dinner with the other? It depends on your situation, you will either have to get both of them in the same place (don't know about that) or you split it up into two dinners. If you go with the latter, who gets to see you on your actual birthday? Do you do a birthday lunch and dinner? Ugh... so many options!
3. Mother's Day better be celebrated if Father's Day is, and vice-versa.
You have to make these equal. It will not be OK for you to make it home for Father's Day because it is a "convenient" weekend but then not do the same for Mother's Day. There is no excuse for this because if one is celebrated, the other must be equally so that there is no prioritization or favoritism.
4. Who pays for college?
Some parents arrange these sort of financial things in divorce agreements. There will be others who don't, so it is important to figure this out quickly so when it is time to get off to school things aren't so complicated. If you have a sibling or siblings, one parent can pay one tuition and the other can pay the next, so on and so forth. There are ways to figure it out but it can be stressful!
5. You will be the main communication medium!
It doesn't mean your parents are being inconsiderate, but you will be the main source of communication between them. They do not want to talk on the phone, through email, or in person. Your parents find it convenient just to talk to you and deliver messages through you, because after all, you have to see both of them! It is not the easiest thing to deal with, so a conversation with your parents may be necessary to end it.
6. If you leave college to visit one parent, you better visit the other.
Similar to the Mother's Day/Father's Day situation, you have to plan trips to parent's homes accordingly. There is no way to justify visiting one and not the other!
7. Do you act happy or annoyed that the other parent has found a new significant other?
This can be tricky... One parent will want to laugh about the other's new found love life. They will be tempted to because they obviously don't want them to be satisfied with someone else, even if they aren't really jealous. This is just a natural human emotion. This gets weird for you though because how do you act? The easy way is going along with the jealous parent and acting like they're not a good match, or you can disagree and take the higher road. What works out best in the long run?
8. If one is happy with a decision you made and the other is disappointed, was it a good decision?
Do you value one parent's opinion over the other? This can be tricky too because there will be times when they will have differing opinions on your choices and you have to decide who is right. One may be more strict on you so it's important to keep that in mind and this whole consideration can differ according to the situation. Either way, it's complicated!
9. If you have a trip to go on, who helps you with the cost?
This is similar to the college tuition dilemma. Some parents will be mature and talk to one another about how to split up costs like these while others will try to avoid paying if the other isn't willing to. It is difficult to negotiate who pays what while trying to keep everyone happy!
10. Why did one parent get more custody rights than the other?
This can get emotional. You will always wonder why one parent got to have you live with them primarily and the other only got partial custody. Of course, if you were old enough to decide, it was simply whatever your choice was, but for many at a young age it just happens. It usually will work out but it is hard not to think about why custody wouldn't be equal or why one parent wouldn't fight harder for it to be equal.
11. Will family gatherings later in life be awkward?
How will you handle gatherings later in life? How will the wedding be? What will cookouts, baby showers, birthdays, etc. be? Hopefully everything will stay smooth and life can just be as it should with everyone getting along. For some, they will have to be ambassadors of goodwill for basically the whole duration of whatever event it is. It just depends on the relationship between your parents!
It's not easy to figure all of this out, but if you stay committed it can be Ok! I hate that anyone has to deal with divorce but it can truly work out for the better. Stay considerate and understanding!
