Wheaton College is a unique campus that attracts some big personalities. Each one is crazy awesome and very different. There are more types of Wheaton Fellas than are listed here, but here's a start.
1. The Homeschooler
Homeschoolers. There's lots of them, and lots of different types. In general though, the homeschool guy is outspoken and smiley, always ready to share his opinion and generally uninhibited to pursue whatever activity seems best to him at that moment. He hugs like it's going out of style sporting sweatpants and Asics, and the huggy homeschooler is set on making sure his sisters in Christ get all the affection they deserve.
2. The TCK
Third Culture Kids come to the table with a mystifying level of panache, a product of their unusually well cultured upbringing and born of necessity after having to start over again in so many new environments. On the downside, they’ll miss out on most of your Spongebob and Bill Nye references, as well as some of the other fine boons of American culture.
3. The MK
Think of the Missionary Kid as a mash up of the homeschooler and the TCK. On top of that, the MK can bring some pretty crazy experiences to the table. Like that one time when their neighbor’s pet alligator saved them from being mugged by members of the Shining Path.
4. The Football Player
Over 6’8” and 300 lbs, the football players are social animals, usually traveling in packs no smaller than two or three. Although fairly common, they are rarely seen in the wild. They can, however, be consistently seen taking up space in the omelette line. If you provoke one, your best option is to run away. Nature has made them natural sprinters, but their winter blubber layer will prevent them from keeping up with you at any serious distance.
5. The Calvinist
You won’t have to guess who these guys are because they will tell you. Probably more than once. They will stop at nothing to make sure you understand election and total depravity, and maybe even the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
6. The IR Student
“What do you want to do with your life?”
“Oh… I don’t know… probably join the CIA or FBI.”
7. The Conservy
This guy has a personality electric enough to power the greater Chicago area. He has perfect pitch and plays all the instruments. He's probably good at something else, too, but is usually too busy to hang out with much.
8. The Pre-med Student
They’re planning on being a neurosurgeon and last summer they completed an internship at Mayo Clinic. If you’re having trouble finding them, listen for the sound of complaining about course load and lab sciences. As impressive as the pre-med student is, most will falter and switch majors, or be too stressed to venture out much.
9. The Pretend Hipster
Straight out of Cali, this guy is hopping on the down curve of the top knot or undercut trend. He plays guitar (but so does everyone else at Wheaton) and enjoys looking for increasingly obscure coffeehouses. When he sings next to you in chapel, he compulsively contorts his voice to try to imitate the style of the latest on trend indie folk band.
10. The Local
He grew up in the area, went to Wheaton academy, knows all the good restaurants, borrows the family car, and goes home most weekends. Other than that about that they're just normal 4.0 high school valedictorian Wheaton student.
11. The Cadet
Not much is known about this type of Wheaton guy since they are usually tucked away studying by the time the rest of campus gets up, and back asleep again before anyone gets out of class. On Thursday's they run around on the Smaber lawn with training rifles shouting "pew, pew."
