10 Years Ago Today

10 Years Ago Today

10 years ago today my life changed drastically.


10 years ago I went to school with two loving parents. 10 years ago I came home from school to one grieving parent. 10 years ago my heart broke into a million pieces. 10 years ago everything I once knew was gone, forever. 10 years ago my best friend took their own life. 10 years ago my mother not only became a widow but a single mother as well. 10 years ago I was forced to face the hardest tragedy that I have yet to overcome.

I was 11, barely. My birthday was only the month prior, and while things weren't peachy keen and we weren't a picture perfect family, we were still whole. Who would have ever thought barely a month later we would be forever changed. I knew my dad was sick. I had been made aware of his depression. However, I was all of 10 years old. I couldn't fully grasp the depths of his illness or the potential outcome. I also don't think anyone thought they needed to brace me for what was to eventually come of his illness.

Today, at 21 years old I still haven't fully grasped what he was going through and how it possibly led him to the decision he made that day on January 28th, 2009. The day that changed me and my life to come forever. That day made me fatherless. That day has made it so I won't experience my father on my arm as I walk down the aisle. I won't share a father-daughter dance. My future children won't have a grandpa that will spoil them endlessly.

10 years have quite literally flown by. I say literally because most of my days are just that. They breeze by as I feel life flashing before my eyes. I'm stuck in the past. I'm stuck in all the days prior to January 28th, 2009. I'm stuck in the time where my family was complete. I'm stuck in the time where life still made sense, where it was all rainbows and butterflies. I can't help but think if there was anything in those days that I could have done. What did I not see? Did others see it? Was I the only clueless one? How does this even happen?

While time has passed quickly, with that times does come some healing. I don't show my pain. I don't wallow in my sufferings. I don't publicly shed the tears that only my pillow will see. Anyone reading this who truly knows me knows me as happy. They know me as a girl with a smile permanently attached to her face. As a girl whose ambitions and dreams are not held back by the tragic loss of her father. However, what they don't know is that it still hurts just as much as it did on that day 10 years ago.

The older I get the more I am able to process my loss. My father wasn't my first even. Two years prior I lost my beautifully talented and gifted Aunt Nancy, the next year my vibrant and kind-hearted cousin Lisa, finishing this tragedy tribology with the loss of my own father. Through all this loss many life lessons have been learned. I know not to take each day for granted. I know the importance of letting your loved ones know how you really fell. I know not to go to bed angry. To make amends. To live each day to the fullest. The lessons go on and on.

However, not everything comes with age. They say time heals. However, I think you just begin to adjust, but you don't ever really heal. How can you? How can you make yourself whole again when one of the biggest parts of you is missing? With age, I have gained a sense of "understanding". I don't understand why he did what he did, but I understand now that I never will. I understand that in no way was it my fault. I understand that I am stronger than the tragedies I've been struck with. I understand that it is okay to be the happy person I truly am. Being and showing my happiness doesn't mean I've forgotten about my father or that I've moved past what has happened to me.

10 years of trying to seek unrealistic answers have now gone by. 10 years of grief has gone by. 10 years of waking up and remembering he's never coming back have gone by. 10 years of wishing I could go back in time has gone by. 10 years of feeling every emotion under the sun towards my dad have gone by. 10 years ago my life changed forever.

I will never, ever stop loving you, dad. You are forever in my heart.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

For a long time, Goya has been a staple in some Latino households. People carry around jars of Adobo when they eat at friend's houses and packets of Sazón Goya can be found in almost everyone's pantry. Many BuzzFeed lists, videos, and memes aimed at Latinos reference Goya somewhere.

But in a year that just keeps hitting us with bad news, Goya Foods CEO Robert Unanue said that Trump was an "incredible builder" and that the US was "blessed" to have him as president at a White House event on Thursday.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Everything You Need To Know About COVID-19 Outcomes, Because It Has To End Eventually

You've heard a lot of possible outcomes thrown around, let's break them down.

If you log into any social media app, you will be overwhelmed with self-appointed experts, preaching the correct way to end this coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic from the comfort of their La-Z-Boy chair. Aside from those dramatic children on TikTok, it's all anyone can talk about. There's an obvious reason for this — the pandemic has taken our world and flopped it on its head, bringing confusion, angst, and an obnoxious amount of sourdough bread into our lives.

All this to say, it's easy to get lost amidst the storm of arguments online. Instead, it's best to break down what's actually going on so we can have an educated perspective as we look to work together to move past our current predicament.

Keep Reading... Show less

Raven Baxter Was Our Favorite Teen Fashion Icon And We're Still Recreating Her Best Looks, Here

We take a look at Disney's most fashion-forward show to recreate some iconic looks.

Disney Plus

I grew up in the early 2000s. And, like any child at the time, I was hooked on Disney Channel shows. My favorite was and is "That's So Raven."

Raven is a teenage psychic navigating life in hopes of not revealing her powers. Only her family and close friends know she has them. Her powers oftentimes get her in trouble, which is where the comedy comes in. But, they also teach her and her friends sentimental life lessons.

Keep Reading... Show less

Sobriety is so underrated, even when it comes to healthcare. The instant gratification of a substance or drink isn't exactly as gratifying as some people may think. For those of you who've never been hungover, consider yourself lucky — a hangover is biologically horrifying. A hangover is not instant gratification, so who are we kidding when people say "it just feels good." Being healthy actually feels good and won't hurt you or your bank account in the morning. The best way to be healthy is to choose sobriety.

Keep Reading... Show less

Ah, yes. The juice cleanse. Yet another popular diet trend that promises to magically solve all of your health, nutrition, and weight issues.

When you take a close look, juice cleanses aren't as magical as they are made out to be, and in fact, they might do more harm than good.

Keep Reading... Show less

Unauthorized Plastic Surgery Is Totally Unethical, And Happening WAY More Often Than We Know ‬

Plastic surgery for cosmetic enhancements has you looking more botched than beautiful and it’s painful to see.

Coming from someone who could afford numerous cosmetic enhancing procedures I would never in a million years cut up my face or my body. I'm pretty emphatic and when I watch these brainwashed victims with bandages and chronic inflammation (swollen lips) I literally feel their pain.

Keep Reading... Show less

I've never been big on casual wear or athleisure. Most people who know me have never seen me in sweats. But, I do have those two or three pairs of sweats I can't resist climbing into the second I get home, the newest addition of which is the extra cozy Odyssey crewneck sweatshirt I got in an XL size to feel as close to being wrapped in a blanket at all times as possible.

In the past several months, I've started to expand my horizons, considering the ways in which I can bring my small wardrobe of comfortable bedroom clothing into the public. I've experimented with topping leggings and a sports bra with a denim jacket to the park, and an oversized sweatshirt worn as a dress, cinched at the waist with a belt when I'm out wearing leggings.

Keep Reading... Show less

How To Dress Like Your Favorite 'Insecure' Characters — Without Spending $2,000

We take a look at the fashion of Insecure season 4, and how you can create these looks yourself.


Insecure is one of my favorite shows ever. It really encapsulates what it's like being a Black 20-something, trying to navigate the many ups and downs of life. Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany are living their best lives in California while dealing with the twists and turns that come with that.

From life to relationships to careers, this show truly captures everything that runs through my mind on a daily basis. The show has a sense of realness and a strong frankness that makes you gravitate toward the characters and root for their success.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments