How It Feels To Lose A Parent I Hardly Knew
Start writing a post
Relationships

How It Feels To Lose A Parent I Hardly Knew

One of the hardest and heart-wrenching experiences.

17
How It Feels To Lose A Parent I Hardly Knew
Kayla Saunders

I remember being a little girl, waiting at the front door of my house. I sat there happy as ever, waiting for my father to pull up on the curb with his silver Subaru hatchback. Minutes turned into hours and my smile grew smaller and smaller every second. I wish I would have known back then that daddy wasn’t coming to see me, but as a little kid we all have one big thing filling our hearts and minds — hope.

Growing up, it was always weird answering the question, “Where is your dad, Kayla?” Because in all honesty, I didn’t know where he was most of the time. I knew nothing about him. I don’t even know his favorite color, his favorite season, or his favorite sport. His job took him all across the country, and after getting divorced with my mom he disappeared off the face of the earth. I would see him periodically, a couple times when I was five, once when I was seven and 10. The last time I saw him I was 12 years old, in the recovery room because I just got my tonsils taken out. The anesthesia was working pretty well on me, as I barely recollect seeing him. Today, I wish I would have said something to him, because that was the last time I ever saw his smile and voice.

The day after my 13th birthday, my mother got a phone call from her fellow co-worker. “What’s Kayla’s last name again, Kathy?” she asked my mom, her voice laced with worry. My father’s obituary was plastered in the city newspaper. He had been dead for 7 days, and I would not have even known if it wasn’t for my mother’s friend. My mom told me with tears streaming down her face, and I stared at her with disbelief. My daddy was dead. I immediately reverted back to my 5-year old self, the little girl who was obsessed with her dad and was the true definition of a "daddy’s girl." It didn’t hit me until a few days later, where I sobbed uncontrollably in my room for hours. I couldn’t believe he was gone. The funeral was all a blur. I can remember everyone telling me how sorry they were for my loss, and how my father was such a great man. But I didn’t believe them. He wasn’t a good father at all, so how could he be a good man? He abandoned me.

As I got older, the loss of my father affected my mental health. I became depressed, extremely depressed. I felt like my father didn’t love me. He rejected me. Negative thoughts like these continued to spread throughout my brain. It became an endless cycle of negativity for me. But, then I made a breakthrough: My father’s mistakes should not change my self-worth. He didn’t know how to address the problem at hand, so he decided to ignore it. His wrongdoing had nothing to do with me though, it was completely his own lack of morality and principle. So, to anyone reading this who feels rejected because a parent isn’t/wasn’t in their life, I know how you feel. But, it all gets better. Their wrongdoings do NOT define who you are. Without them you will still rise, and use all of your potential for good in the world. YOU are important.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Lifestyle

Founders Of Color: Rec Room's Dre Taylor On What Blackness Can Look Like And Not Working For Free

"It mattered to me that when we were depicting racial diversity for Rec Room, we showed the broad spectrum of what Blackness can look like."

Rec Room

The world of sustainable fashion is inundated with marketing gimmicks, false advertising, and large corporations cutting corners — Rec Room is the pure antithesis of that.

Keep Reading... Show less

Dunkin' just announced that they'll be releasing their fall menu earlier than ever — set to debut on August 19 — and that it'll include new menu options this season, including a new signature pumpkin spice latte. Let me just say, Starbucks has some fall-menu competition now.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

CBD Lip Balm Is The Calming Presence You Need In Your Life, Trust Me

I tried lip balm, sleep gummies, and an oil dropper from CBDistillery. Here's the final verdict.

@lilyjmoe

CBD has been on making waves within the wellness space for the last few years. Generally related to the treatment of anxiety, insomnia, and chronic pain, it's growing easier to find small CBD companies who are making products specifically designed to fit your needs. As FDA rules for CBD production can be a little hazy, it's true that not all CBD products are created equally. That's why it's important to look into the manufacturing of whatever you're deciding to try, especially if you're new to taking CBD.

As someone who has tried a variety of CBD products — some victories, some failures — I was thrilled when CBDistillery sent me a package of their favorites. They included a Broad Spectrum CBD Oil Tincture, their Nighttime Gummies, and a CBD Lip Balm.

Keep Reading... Show less

After a few months of self-quarantining, becoming suspicious of every cough, and blowing through masks like a medical school student, restrictions due to the pandemic are easing up a bit and businesses are warily reopening. While these public spaces may look the same on the outside, the way they function and operate is vastly different than a few months ago.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 At-Home Therapy Tips You Need, No Matter What Your Therapy Routine Is

Whether you're in a Zoom session or live-chatting, make sure your home therapy space is good to go.

No matter what stigmas you held about therapy before this year, I'm sure 2020 has affirmed that we could ALL use a nice long therapy session. Between wildfires that took over an entire continent, a global health crisis, and what's sure to be one giant circus of an election in the United States, we need help and we need it now.

The fact of the matter is, therapy has been a helpful, valid resource long before the world decided to become one giant dumpster fire. Having a safe space to discuss what's going on in your life, worries you have, and struggles you're facing has become a very normal thing for individuals' mental health.

Keep Reading... Show less

When it comes to wedding planning, each and every detail is customized to the style of the couple. From venue and decorations to food and beverages, nothing gets overlooked — whether your wedding is big, small, or virtual.

The same thing goes for invites, which are getting more and more beautiful every wedding season. If you're looking to customize your wedding invitations, the options are endless... you can add pictures if you wish, opt for fancy artwork, or keep it simple with just text).

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

23 Burning Questions We Have For The Taureans In Our Lives, Answered By A Taurus

The remaining 11 signs took the bull by the horns, and it was a fun and insightful experience!

Jordyn Leach

Lately, I've been digging deeper into astrology and studying my sign. Throughout the journey, it's come to my attention that Taurus are probably one of the most complicated signs - that is, if you're not a Taurus.

To gain a little more perspective on how my sign is viewed by the others, I requested that the participants submit a question in response to the following:

Keep Reading... Show less
Universal Pictures

A music enthusiast like myself has a playlist for every mood. Life's a movie and you're the main character. In no specific order, listen to these songs to feel on top of the world!

Pro Tip: turn your crossfade up to 3 seconds for a seamless transition between each song!

Keep Reading... Show less

It's the most wonderful time of the year again — it's sorority recruitment season! While recruitment can be a fun and memorable experience, it can also take a toll on your mental health, especially this year, considering the special circumstances brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic. Here are a few reminders to keep in your mental health toolkit during recruitment week to help keep your mental health at bay during this unique experience.

Keep Reading... Show less

We've all been there. You see that super cute guy on your dating app of choice, his bio is funny, and then, the gut-wrenching feeling hits when you see their political views don't exactly line up with yours. He loves Trump, you can't stand him, or vice versa.

A lot of people will say you can get over politics, but I know from personal experience, as well as this survey, that politics play a huge role in whether a relationship will work or if we're even willing to swipe right on that profile.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments