If you said “Jazz Hands” out loud, you’re pretty much there!
1. You can’t order food
You try your best. You really do. That is assuming you haven’t waited until this moment to decide what to order. If so, turn back! You are not ready. You walk in confidently with your order in mind. You are prepared for battle! What could go wrong? Suddenly disaster strikes. Either you order a turkey sandwich as a “bird on bread thing” or they say “enjoy your meal” and you say “You too” but then realize they don’t have a meal to enjoy so you say “enjoy working” but that sounds wrong so the entire thing desolves into a series of apologies and hand gestures and you leave quickly before the person can memorize your face or know your name. Not that that’s happened or anything…
2. You run into inanimate objects…
I swear that telephone pole wasn’t there yesterday!
3. …and then apologize to the object.
Just pray no one is here to witness this part, for your sake. Trust me, no one will let it go.
4. You plan out conversations before you have them.
No one can accuse you of not being prepared! You know what you are up against! You have learned from the mistakes of your past. If you can clearly picture what is going to happen, what you are going to say, and what the other person is going to say. Everything will be great! It’s like being psychic but also not at all.
5. They still don’t go as planned.
…you tried.
6. You talk to yourself in public situations.
Walking to class, mouthing the words to songs as you pass people or just reasoning aloud about your life, walking near you is like listening to an autobiography on tape. Sometimes you will catch yourself talking to yourself, but decide to continue anyway. You’re already half way through your self-conversation and you REALLY need closure!!!!
7. You injure yourself on objects that really shouldn’t pose an imminent threat.
You know that moment. You’re sitting at a table. The table has not moved. You move to put your head down on the table. The table is closer than you thought. Your head hurts.
8. You dance like nobody’s watching…then you notice people watching.
Next time you practice for So You Think You Can Dance, shut the door.
9. You are constantly moving
You cannot stand still for any great length of time…or any short length of time for that matter. Freeze dance was never really your thing. You need to be moving for your mental sanity, or you will honestly internally explode. Also, constantly moving your arms and legs around lets people think you answered their questions without actually answering them! It’s a magical experience that you have well employed.
10. But all in all, you are still the coolest person you know.
When every day is full of at least a billion near death experiences, you have quite the stories to tell!
