I'm just going to be honest here. When someone you love dies, people don't know what to say. So naturally, they say the first thing they can think of that doesn't sound terribly offensive, well, at least it doesn't to them.
Some of them are horrifying. Some of them are just downright funny, in that bitterly, ironic type of funny. Some of them are even borderline cruel when you think about it.
So, here goes. I'm going to give you ten things that people say to someone grieving. Some of them have been said to me; some of them have been said to others. Read this, and maybe next time you're at a funeral, instead of one of these you will give a simple, "You're in my thoughts. I can't imagine what you're going through."
1. He's in a better place now
This one has to be one of the worst. How do you know he's in a better place? What am I? Chopped liver? What is better than growing old and being with his family. It's very easy to say they are in a better place when you still have your spouse with you.
2. God needed him
Really?? Because the last time I checked, God doesn't need anyone. He needed him more than his family? His unborn son? Crazy how religion is the one place people instantly turn to when faced with death. It's not as simple as faith when your husband dies. I've found myself challenged to the core.
3. He looks so good
No, he doesn't! He looks dead, and has enough make-up caked on that if he could, he would come up out of that coffin and kill me. He looks cold, stiff and uncomfortable. Whatever possesses people to say something like that to a widow standing in shock next to her husband's casket? Of course, all you can do is nod and agree, even though your mind is screaming a thousand things you want to tell them.
4. You're young; you will remarry
Yes, because thinking about finding another life partner when mine has died is definitely the first thing on my mind. One person can never replace another person. The fact that I can remarry doesn't change the facts that my life has been drastically altered. The partner I thought I would grow old with, the father of my children that I thought I would get to see raise them, is gone. With him, along went that chapter of my hopes and dreams.
5. Time heals all wounds
Biggest load of crap ever!!! It doesn't get easier; it gets different. As time passes you learn how to better compartmentalize your grief. You learn quickly who you can grieve too and who you have to hide it from. The pain is still as painful today as it was two years ago. I will miss him until my dying breath. So no, in fact, time does NOT heal all wounds.
6. I know exactly what you're going through
How in the world do you know what I'm going through? Are you in my head? Did your spouse die, and if so, did they die the same way as mine? Did you have the same relationship and experiences that I have? If your answer is no to any of the above, you, in fact, do not know exactly what I'm going through.
7. I wish my ex were dead; that would've made things easier
My partner is dead. My children have no father. You don't think for a minute that I'd rather have a portion of him than none at all. Even if I hadn't loved him from the depths of my heart, I would never wish the father of my children dead. There is no more communication, no more contact, no more casual sightings when your partner dies. There are forever, and irrevocably, gone.
8. It's been this long; it's time for you to move on
One does not just move on from the death of their spouse. My husband wasn't just my spouse, he was my confidant, biggest supporter, father of my children, and my very best friend. I didn't just lose a person; I lost me. I lost how I thought my life was supposed to me, my first happy ending. It isn't a loss that you get over. It will always sting and hurt. Some days may not be as bad as others; other days the grief will try to crush your soul.
9. You are so strong
You think I'm strong? Trust me, it's survival. I'm barely coping and surviving being a mother of two babies, much less grieving. Avoiding your grief is not strength. Truthfully, I think avoiding my feelings actually makes me a much weaker person, and it is not at all healthy. I don't know how to deal with my actual feelings and the actual physical pain of the person I love being gone forever. It hurts more than I can ever express in a blog. What you see as strength is actually me holding on to the very last bit of the rope, just about ready to fall.
10. There are people that would love to be married; at least you had what you did
Screw you!! You are growing old with your spouse, how dare you tell me how lucky I am. My 24-year-old husband is dead! We had almost four years together. That wasn't nearly long enough. Of course I'm grateful for what we had, but that doesn't mean I am not allowed to be sad for losing our future. You have no right to rebuke me for being sad. Just because my Facebook posts are sad all the time doesn't give you the right to tell me how to grieve. I will always miss him. I'll miss him at birthday parties, wedding anniversary dates, and on holidays. I'm so happy for what I had with him, but I'll always wish it could have been longer.
