Sometimes I find myself reflecting back on my childhood and wonder, "what ever happened to my first Myspace friend, Tom?" Then I quickly remember that he fell off the face of the planet upon the creation of a site that ditched the layouts and music, a place we spend a majority of our free and not-so-free time, a complex web page called Facebook. This stalker friendly, photo posting, weird video sharing place is open to people from all walks of life, whether we like it or not. Here are some of the people you'll encounter on your daily hourly scroll through your Facebook news feed.
1. The Proud Grandma.
She cooks your favorite meals, slips a $5 bill in your pocket when your mom isn't looking and smells like mothballs and lilacs, but she loves you more than anyone. She's your grandma, and she is a Facebook specialist. Post a picture? BAM. “you kids are crazy! Love, Grandma." Get tagged in a group photo? BOOM. “You need to get more towards the front next time, your grandpa had to get the ole' magnified glass just to find you! Love, Grandma and Grandpa." We may shake our heads at the lack of slang and extreme use of proper punctuation, but we love our grandmas, and they are pretty salty that they get more likes on their profile pictures than we do.
2. The Girl With a Lot of Feelings.
We all have our good days, and we all have our bad days. Sometimes it's tacos for lunch, and sometimes it's mystery meat, again. We take a deep breath, plug our noses, and fill our stomachs with that sad excuse for a meal because, well, that's just life. But sometimes (every day) there are those special people who refuse to swallow their problems and instead, put them on Facebook for all to see. They post about the traffic they were stuck in for 15 minutes, the boy or girl that did them wrong, or how their parents will just never understand them. While we can't understand why they post the things they do, these people make our lives seem a little less sad, and for that, we thank them.
3. The Couple Who will be Together 4Ever.
If they start their statuses with “My #MCM/#WCW is of course, ______", they fit perfectly into this category. While they have overcome many obstacles, this couple has already proven all the doubters wrong. They are each others' best friend, must remind everyone how deep their love is, and ultimately how they have really gotten to know one another over the past 5 weeks. Only one thing to say, three words: “I don't care." Okay, that was harsh and bitter, but I hope you guys really do make it, and if not? I'll look forward to your transition into the person in category number two.
4. The Upcoming Rap Artist.
Jay Z, Lil Wayne, and Eminem all started their rap careers on Facebook, and look where they are now! Actually, that is completely false. I understand that you want to get your music out, but rapping about how times are tough while you drive around in your $50,000 brand new car that your momma just bought you, leaves me a tad skeptical. I respect the art of rhyme, I do it all the time, but on Facebook bro? I might just have to say no, yo.
5. The Inappropriate Uncle.
“WOWZA John, she's a looker, who knew you had it in ya!!??" Alright uncle Steve, if you stop commenting creepy things on every picture John posts with a girl, maybe he could keep one of them around! It's bad enough that he hits on your cousin's stepsister at family reunions, so let's leave the eerie to the lake and off of social media, okay Steve?
6. The Pyramid Schemer.
The most memorable thing I have ever read on social media came from one of these categorical Facebook folks, “When a college degree becomes your plan B". Now, I love energy drinks as much as the next gal, but if selling those bad boys can make anyone a “self-made millionaire", then man have my parents wasted a lot of cash. I see all these pictures of the Mercedes you plan to buy with your profits, but invisible cars are not that cool unless you're Mermaid Man or Barnacle Boy, and that college degree is looking a little more desirable with every passing status.
7. The Spiritual Guru.
Higher power is a complex (and touchy) subject, and for some of our Facebook friends, it is the only subject. As a religious person myself, I will not go too much into detail on this one, but we all have those friends who post a status when their hourly miracle occurs, even if it is getting 5 chicken nuggets in a 4 piece happy meal (but if that's not something to be grateful for, I am not sure what is). Those Joshua, David, and Moses guys must have been pretty groovy considering the amount of quotable things they said, so I suppose a little praise for them on Facebook is appropriate.
8. The Juice Head.
Hard work, determination, steroids, and gym selfies are a quadruplet unlike any other, and when mixed with Facebook, the outcome can be…well…sweaty? I'm all for fitness (mostly just fittin' dis Snickers bar in my mouth) but do we really need to document ourselves flexing in the mirror every time we go to the gym? Maybe if I went to the gym more I would understand, but until I figure this one out, I'll just keep scrolling and controlling my gag reflex.
9. The Over-Editor.
Every day, in countries big and small all over the globe, there are young girls who believe that we have no clue that they edit their photos. They whiten their teeth, brighten their eyes, soften their faces, and plump their booties, but we know the truth. For just pennies a day, oh wait, wrong article. Anyway, no one looks like that, and we especially know that you don't, because we see you on campus all the time! I drink coffee by the gallon, have weirdly grayish eyes, my booty is less than voluptuous, and I average about 85 likes on my profile pictures, so I'm here to tell you that life isn't that bad unedited.
10. The Annoying Girl Who Makes You Read Her Articles Every Week.
Wait, that would be me.
