Communication is key. We have all heard this phrase before. But communication is difficult and messy. It can feel like walking into a battle with no armor or protection. Talking can be even more difficult when we do not even know where to start. Never fear! There are a few steps that can make communication a little less stressful.

1. Get Comfortable with Confrontation

Confronting is almost never fun. Especially when the person you are confronting is a partner. The best way to get used to it is to try confrontation often. I don't mean every day start yelling for no reason. I do mean that when something comes up, instead of letting it build up, talk about it then and there. Get used to discussing what is bothering you when it happens, or soon after. Otherwise small issues will build up, making the big confrontation more like a messy fight.

2. Go in expecting success

If you walk into the situation feeling like everything will go wrong, it will. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that by the end of the conversation both you and your partner will feel better about the issues you just resolved.

3. Make sure you say everything you need to say

If you do not say it now, chances are it will just pile up until a big explosion happens later. Get everything you need to say out right now when you are both ready for the conversation.

4. Write what you want to say if needed

If you are worried about messing up what you want to say, consider writing it down beforehand. This will allow you to control exactly what you want to say so you don't accidentally say something in the wrong way, or don't forget anything. This also helps you to make sure everything you want to say is clear.

5. Be respectful when the other person is talking

You don't like it when people interrupt you, so don't interrupt them. Once you have said your piece, allow the other person the opportunity to respond. This can be difficult when they say something and that makes you want to respond instantly. Try to refrain from interruptions and allow them to say everything they need to say. This can help clear any misunderstandings but also allows you to understand what they are feeling as well.

6. Actually listen to what they are saying

Don't just stand there and act like you are listening, all while planning your next retort. That turns this from a conversation between an adult, to an argument between children. Really listen to what they are trying to tell you. You want to be heard, and so do they. Respect is a two-way street.

7. Watch your voice

In the heat of the moment it is easy to get carried away. Sometimes we are so concerned with what we are saying that we forget to listen to the how. This is a conversation, you want the other person to hear what you are trying to say, so try to keep your voice from reaching limits that would indicate this is now an argument. Likewise, if you notice your partner is starting to drift into the realm of shouting or condescending language, wait until they are done speaking, and then respectfully tell them that the tone they were using was maybe a little more disrespectful than it should have been. Keep your voice level and use kind language.

8. Steer clear of accusatory statements

Saying, "well this is your fault because you did this!" is probably not the best way to get someone to see your point of view. Instead, try to use inclusive language that includes the other person as part of the solution. So instead of saying, " You always spend more time with friends than with me," try instead to say, "Maybe we could both do a better job of creating time for each other throughout the week". Accusations put both of you on defense which closes off the conversation. Try to keep the conversation open, which means allowing the other person to say what they need to say as well.

9. Compromise, compromise, compromise

You may have walked into this conversation with a clear view of what you want. However, as the conversation goes on, you may discover that this was misguided, misinformed, or that your view needs to shift. Compromise is great. A compromise allows both parties to gain something out of the conversation. Work with each other, not against.

10. Make sure you both feel good about the resolution

Once the conversation is over you should both feel like you have gained something from the conversation. Whether that's more insight into how the other person is feeling and thinking about the relationship, or a concrete plan on how to resolve the issues discussed, you should both walk away knowing that each of you has something you can do to improve upon the issues. If you don't, perhaps there is more to discuss and reflect upon.