My first kiss was on the third day of school my freshman year in college. It was, to put it delicately, a sh*t show. After years of building up this experience to be this magical, wonderful, life changing event that would shower me with a new-found-boss-ass-bitch confidence, I was left feeling demoralized about men and relationships forever. What was so wrong with me that I could not just meet the nice young man that my grandmother envisioned for me?

My experience with relationships has certainly been eclectic. I have done a lot of crazy, stupid things that I wish I could take back. However, these experiences have lead me to create a list of the things freshman me and everyone else needs to understand about relationships.

1. Prince Charming/Princess Perfect does not exist.

That idea that there is a perfect man/woman out there who has good looks, likes long walks on the beach, loves kids and puppies, wants to commit, has a healthy relationship with their mother, can fix a broken sink, and has a great sense of humor is a lot to ask. No one is perfect and there is no one that is going to “save” you. By fixating on this list of perfect qualities, you might be missing out on someone who, while imperfect, balances you out perfectly.

2. Kisses only hold as much power as you let them.

A kiss is not a contract. It does not mean that you have to answer that text, go on a date, or see that person ever again. It could just be both of you felt great in the moment and wanted to share that with each other. When in doubt, go for it. Life it too short to not kiss someone you find attractive.

3. You don’t have to be in love to have sex.

Just like with kissing, sex is not a contract. It does not mean you ever have to see each other ever again, if done responsibly and with clear communication. Sex feels good! Treat yo self to that exotic one night stand that you have been dreaming about! Your body is yours and no one but you sets the rules.

4. But sex is awesome when it is with someone you care about and respect.

While animal sex with no strings attached is great and fun on occasion, being totally vulnerable with someone that you genuinely care about is an experience unlike any other. There is that mutual need to please the other person and make sure they are taken care of. That really makes it so much more enjoyable and pleasurable.

5. You really do have to love yourself.

If you can’t stand to be in your own company, how can you accept someone else who wants to? A relationship will not complete you or give you confidence. If anything, relationships, especially at the beginning can make you feel the most insecure. Jealousy and vulnerability are hard enough as is to overcome as a confident being.

6. Do not expect your S.O. to solve your problems.

Your significant other can be there to support you through your obstacles, but he/she will not be able to fix everything. You have to be self sufficient and do what you need to do in order for you to be happy and successful.

7. Do not aim for someone to love you because of your scars.

Your scars, both physical and emotional, are not what makes you a wonderful human being. That is in your essence, how you see the world, how much you love those around you. If your significant other loves you because you are damaged, that usually means he will not bring out the best in you.

8. Balance, balance, balance…

Spending all your free time with your significant other is not entirely healthy. Yes, this person is your safe person, your best friend that you are growing to love (if not already loving). But you are more than this relationship and you have other friends that can offer you more growth outside the relationship.

9. Sometimes fate needs a hand.

You like his/her face? Are they giving you that look that says they like your face too? What is stopping you from kissing that face? The stars can only align so much and you need to take that extra leap to seal the deal. Just do it.

10. A relationship is not the key to happiness.

These kind of relationships that we are discussing are like luxury items. I can guarantee that you can live without them for a while. Yes, it can suck being alone on holidays and special events, but if you have the right support system, you won’t even notice.